HoUinger Corp. 
pH 8.5 



Madame Moselle 

Produced Under Direction of 

CHASE & EVERALL 

29 W. 42nd St.. New York, N. Y. 



Original Story by Max Moeller 

Adapted by Music by 

EDWARD A. PAULTON LUDWIG ENGLANDER 

Words and Music of Song " If I Should Love My Only Girl " by 

W. p. CHASE 

Copyrighted 1914, in U. S. and Great Britain. 



CAST OF CHARACTERS 

Gabriel Smudge A hypocrite philanthropist. 

Kerrazzo Smudge's rival. 

Mrs. Vain A widow with two millions. 

Nina . Her davighter. 

Fred. Corson .-- -.. An artist in love with Nina. 

Harry Boland.-. Fred's pal. 

Madame Moselle Principal of Moselle Art Academy. 

Mortimer Mrs. Vain's Butler. 

Betty Mrs, Vain's Maid. 

-, J Janitor and man of all work at Moselle 

MATTHEW... ..-.j Art Academy. 

Olive \ 

Mabel 

Irene 

Lottie 

Doris 

Fern 

Myrtle .. 
Ivy. 

ACT 1 — Afternoon, Gardens of Mrs. Vain's summer home. 

ACT 2 — Afternoon. Main Studio Moselle Academy. 

ACT 3 — Evening, Same as Act 1. 



Young ladies at Moselle Academy. 



Polhemus Printing Co., 121 Fulton Street, New York 



Copyright 1914 

by 

The W. C. Parker Company, Inc. 



MADAME MOSELLE 

A FRENCH VAUDEVILLE IN THREE ACTS 

American Version by Edward A. Paulton. 

Original Music by Ludwig Englander. 

Musical Interpolations by William Parker Chase. 

ACT 1. 

8CENE — A garden with summer house right. Pergola from R. C. oflf at 
back. Back drop represents gardens with villa residences seen through trees. 
At rise, Mortimer the butler and Betty (Mrs. Vain's maid), are discovered taking 
things easy in the garden. Mortimer is seated smoking, in deck chair (L). 
Betty in hammock. Mortimer has lemonade by him on small table. Music at 
rise; then Mortimer yawns and stretches himself. 

Betty — What a day, Mortimer! 

Mortimer — You're right, Betty. It makes me feel I'd like to assassinate the 
bounder who invented work. 

Betty — Not for the amount of work you do. 

Mortimer — I'm too comfortable to hand you one back, I say, wed better 
get a move on us. Mrs. Vain is about due to return from the city. Take them 
things into the house. (Betty jimips to her feet, excitedly collects glasses, etc., 
and puts them on tray and starts to go) Elizabeth, our soft times are over. 

Betty — Because of Mrs. Vain's daughter? 

Mortimer— Yes, I abominate children. How old is this, what's her name, 
Nina? 

Betty — I don't know. Mrs. Vain does not confide in me as she should. I 
imagine about thirteen though. 

Mortimer— Thirteen! That's not so bad, but I shudder to think she's a 
furriner. 

Betty — Living in Paris don't make you a foreigner; besides, think what a 
finish it gives you ! 

Mortimer — Yes. It nearly finished me! (Yarcnt and stretches his arnfis), 
F-s-t! Get inside, here comes Mr. Corson. (He has strolled over to one side, 
and sees Fred coming) 

Betty — The idea o' Mrs. Vain marrying that young man is rediculous! 

Mortimer — I'll tell him your opinion, he might give you a lookover! {With 
sarcasm). 

(Betty goes off with tray as Fred enters from other side) 

Fred — Good afternoon, Mortimer. 

Mortimer— Good afternoon, sir. (Respectfully, dropping domineering and 
patronizing air he has adopted toioard Betty) 

^GID 36504 
MAR 30 1914 



••AS3M3 

Fred — Mrs. Vain is not back yet? 
Mortimer — Not yet, sir. 

Fred — I thought she'd have returned by this time, with the youngster. 
Mortimer— Yes, sir; so did I think so, sir! 
Fred — I suppose Mr. Smudge is with her. 

Mortimer — Yes, sir. She was going with Mr. Smudge to the "Be Kind Ta 
Cats" society meeting, and from there to tlie dock. 

(Enter Harry Boland, a young English artist, loitJi picture under hi^ 
arm on canvas). 

Harry — Pardon me; but ah, does Mrs. Vain live heah? 
Yred— (Turning) Hello, Harry, come in! {Harry stands at gate) 
Harry — I am in. ' 

Fred — Come all the way in then. (Then to Mortimer) Thai's all, Mortimer. 
(Mortimer hows and exits) 

Harry — (Coming inside gate) So this is where the future Mrs. Fred Corson 
hangs out her washing, eh? (Looks about him) Fred, you are, to put it in 
Americanese, some picker! 

Fred — I'm glad you approve of my choice of a home. What are you doing 
here? 

Harry — Mrs. Vain ordered a picture of me, and I'm delivering the goods. 
Fred — A picture of yours? She must be going crazy ! 

Harry — Going! When I heard she had booked you as her future husband , 
I brought in a verdict of "gone!" 
Fred— Thank you! 

Harry — Oh, your brain fits you all right. When I smell those flowers and 
see yon pergola and ditto lawns and Italian gardens, old top, I murmur " Go to 
it," sprint, but don't let it get away from you. 
Fred — Do you mean Mrs. Vain by "it?" 

Harry — Why not? But, as a matter of fact, I was referring to the oppor- 
tunity. She's only a side issue, isn't she? 

Fred — Hang it all, you might leave the sugar on the pill. 
Harry — I was admiring the sugar, I haven't seen the pill, that is, the lady 
yet! She must be, how much older than you? 

Fred — Twelve years older than I am, but I need a steadying influence. 
Harry — One would think she was a lamp post, but I say wily one, if you 
know of any other more steadying influence with two millions at liberty, put 
me, er, contiguous. No, no, you needn't bother either, I don't need a mother! 
Fred — She's not old enough to be my mother. 
Harry — Then you're younger than I thought. 

Fred — She's only about forly, when the lights are lit. She was married! 
when little older than a girl. 

Harry — That's what they all say, old dear. 
Fred — You must admit, she looks good in her photographs. 
Harry — A widow with two millions, would look good in anything. At that, 
she must be well preserved . 

Fred — Don't talk of her as tho she were some sort of fruit. 

3 



Harry — You told me she was a peach ! 

Fred — Emily is a very good sort, if she wouldn't use so much misfit French 

in her conversation, but apart from that, I am head over heels in 

Harry — Debt. 

Fred — You took the wordout of my mouth. 

(Duet, Harry and Fred) 
Harry — What is the use of lying? Young fellow, I'm on to you ! 
Fred— This living in debt is trying, and "failing," I'll own that too. 

But still I love my Emily. 
Harry — You're talking thru your hat, 

I thought we agreed, it's money you need. 

You can't get away from that. 
Fred — She gave a hint, could I refuse, the opportuni-tee 

When she said all your " I. O. U's", I'll settje C. O. D. 

( Refrain) 

Fred — I'll admit I'd rather she was not yet twenty, 

I'd admit if I'd the cush, I wouldn't fall. 

She, nor no one else could bag me. 

To the altar none could drag me. 

Marriage somehow, does not get to me, at all. 
Harry— She would be a gem for you, if you were fifty, 

I've tipped you off, I don't suppose I should. 

But with friendly tips, I'm never, never thrifty, 

So back out, while the backing out is good. 
Harry — Let us suppose you're wedded. You, and of course, your wife. 

She's an antique, white headed. 

You're in the prime of life. 

Suppose some broiler flaps your way, and gives the melting eye. 

Are you so dead, as not to spread, 

Your wings for a try to fiy? 
Fred — No girl from me a smile shall win, altho' I'm in my prime, 

Once married, then, my heart goes in 

Cold storage for all time! 

(Refrain as before) 
Harry — You may think you're diflferent, Fred, but you're only human, that 
is, almost human. 

Fred — Not if you are. 

Harry — And to-day " pa-pa" is to meet his little step-daughter! 
Fred — Yes. 

Harry — How old is our baby darling? 

Fred — Her mother would never tell me her age! Come; let me see your pic- 
ture . (Harry picks up picture) 



Harry — 1 can tell from the expression of your teeth that you're going to un- 
load some carping criticism on me. Well, gaze, and be hanged to you! (Busi- 
ness of uncovering picture. Fred take'i it from him, pats it on chair and goes off to 
look at it) 

Fred — Harry, that's fine! A genius who can paint a sunset like that 

Harry — Sunset! That's not a sunset, fat-head. It's a woman. (Glancing 
at the picture which lie has picked up, he notes he is not holding it right side up) Oh, 
I'm holding it sideways. (Puts picture right) 

Fred — So you are, Harry! (Arm around Harry's shoulder) You ought to 
be painting advertising signs. Did my future wife select this? 

Harry — No, Gabriel Smudge. 

Fred — Ah, I thought so. Where is it to go? 

Harry — Smudge said on the walls of the blind asylum. 

Fred — The very place for it. (Fred laughs at Harry who is sore) 

Harry— Smudge has ordered eight frescoes of "famous women" for the din- 
ing hall of the Shop Girls Lj^ceum. The Moselle Academy of design has the 
commission. Eva has the pupils working now, on the original sketches. 
( Proudly) My Eva stood for this picture. (Points to picture) 

Fred — Then Eva will stand for anything. Rather over-dressed for Eve, 
isn't it? 

Harry — Ev-a, old dear, not Eve! (Then with a glance at picture) Somebody 
said she couldn't pose if she was draped and she thought she would show them. 

Fred— The show is very satisfactory, but you're best at upholstery and 
curtains. 

Harry — Jealous blighter! 

Fred — (Starting) Come into the house, I want to telephone and find out if 
that French steamer is in yet. I'm getting anxious. 

Harry — Ah, if you loved Emily, as I love Eva, you would be craay. 

Fred — I'd have to be. ( Harry moves toward picture to get it) Don't trouble 
about the picture. Nobody will steal it. (They go off into house or in supposed 
direction of it. Smudge heard in loings talking to Mortimer) 

Smudge — Don't trouble, Mortimer. If Mrs. Vain comes, tell her Mr. Smudge 
is outside in the garden, getting close to nature. 

(Enter Smudge during symphony of song) 

(Song, Smudge, What are you going to do about It. ; 

Smudge — Ah, Mortimer, you look as if you had something in your system. 

Mortimer — Mrs. Vain has just returned, sir. She will be out here shortly. 

Smudge — Then I will await her until the spreading, the spreading. What 
kind of a tree is it, Mortimer, that spreads? 

MoviimQv—( Stiff'ly) Chestnuts, sir! 

Smudge — How dare you. Oh, ah, yes, I see ; you were answering my inter- 
rogation. 

(Enter Emily hurriedly and breathless) 

Emily— Oh, Mr. Smudge, you're here first. Has my baby arrived? (Thit 
question to Mortimer) 

Mortimer — No, madame! 



Emily — ( With gesture of dismay) Then slie is trouve. I mean perdue. 
You know — lost! 

Smudge — Oh, say not so! 

Emily — I arrived at the pier to find the ship had docked ahead of J.ime, and 
Nina had left. 

Mortimer — Miss Vain telephone to say she was looking about New York, 
and would be here sooner or later. 

Emily — Oh, Mr. Smudge, how quelquechose — how very quelquechose I 

Smudge — Just what I was going to say in my own language. 

Emily — (To Mortimer) That will do, Mortimer. 
(Mortimer bows and makes Ins exit) 

^vawdige ~( Leading Emly to garden seat) Be seated now and get this. I 
mean, listen to what I have to reveal. Good news : the Orphan Asylum is now 
doing business. The first cry of a' motherless child resounded within its walls 
this morning. Think of it! (Takes out handkerchief and weeps) 

Emily— Don't cry! You are too sympathetic, Mr. Smudge. Don't cry! 

Smudge — I must! I am a motherless child myself. Ah, lady, did you ever 
have a mother? 

Emily — This baby, was it a girl child, Mr. Smudge? 

Smudge — My impression is that it was a he-child ; but come, (rising from 
seat) let us drop the Orphan Asylum and hike, that is, hie us to the Home for 
Hopeless Imbeciles. 

Emily — (Rising and following, they walk over to other settee and pause for 
continuation of conversation) What about the home for imbeciles? 

Smudge — More glorious news. It is full! it is slopping over— er, I should 
say, brimming over; in fact, three imbeciles are sleeping in the barn. 

Emily — Where do all these imbeciles come from? 

Smudge — Mostly from the turkey trot parlors. Dozens are going dippy, 
that is, are becoming nutty, that is to say losing their minds over these new 
dances. We have a waiting list now! But come, let us beat it; I mean, leave 
for the Art Gallery. I see the new picture has arrived. (Leads her over to 
picture) 

'EiV[i\\j--( Gasping) Ah! (Stagjers back towards Smudge) Mon Dool 

Smudge — Some dazzler, eh, kid! Mrs. Vain, ahem! A glorious type of 
womanhood, is it not? 

Emily — Yes, but too ci devant, too amiere pensee! What Is she doing? 

Smudge — Well, just now, she seems to have " nothing on"! 

Emily — The pose is somewhat startling. 

Smudge — You think so because you do not grasp the subject, as I would 
like to. This, to remove your doubt, is Zuleika, a famous philanthropist of 
the East. 

Emily — But the dress, it's quite nee-plus-ni-mous! What is it? 

Smudge — It looks to me like a portion of a one-piece bathing suit or, 
shall we say a half-portion. (Enter Hirry and Fred at back. They remain 
up-stage and watch Smudge and Mrs. Vain) This Zuleika founded the benevo- 

6 



lent Order of the Blue Crescent. Who knows, they may invite you to become 
an honorary member. 

Emily— I should like that, but I never could wear that uniform. 

Smudge — Why should you say that? You would look very nifty; that is, it 
would become you. 

Fred — It's time] we butted in. (Then Jo Emily) So you've got back, 
Emily? 

Emily — (Embracing him) Yes, dear, but without Nina. Cela m'est tout en- 
semble, tho' — but she's on her way here. 

Fred — Emily, allow me to present Harry] Boland, who is to blame for 
Zuleika. 

Harry — Charmed, (Then aside) and all that sort of rot. (Bows) 

Emily — And you are the genius who painted this — this masterpiece? (Gush- 
ingly) 

Smudge — Where would you advise hanging it? 

Fred — Why not hang the artist! 

Smudge — To prevent his repeating, I get you, ahem, I mean, I comprehend. 

Emily — I think it would look tresaclatant at the entrance of the Home for 
Hopeless Invalids. 

Fred — As a sample of what started most of those7inside! 

Smudge — (With nervousness as he remembers a note he has, and reaches in 
his pocket for it) Oh, by the way. (Produces note) I want you all to hear an 
anonymous letter I have received. 

Harry — Hallo, Hallo. Somebody has got your number, eh what? 

Smudge — (They all sit except Smudge who stands behind table) Listen: — 
" The Secret Society for the Suppression of Hypocrites is watching you, 
Wander from the straight and narrow path and WOE to you! " The WOE is in 
large type! And it is signed Diogenes. The whole cowardly document is type- 
written. Even Diogenes has sitrned himself on a typewriter. 

Fred — Smudge, I fear as ofEcer of various philanthropies, you have been 
grafting. (Laughs) 

^mwAge— (Hurt) After all the years I have spent working for humanity! 

Harry— And juicy salary. 

Smudge — My heart is broken. (Business of taking out handkerchief) 

Emily— Soyes ton jours sauve qui pent, Mr. Smudge. 

Fred — Some Johnnie has got it in for you, Gabriel. 

Smudge — There is only one whelp I can think of. the former treasurer of 
the Home for Homeless Imbeciles. I had him fired, I should say discharged, 
and got his position. 

Fred — Now we're out of the tunnel in a minute. 

Smudge — Well, even a philanthropist must look after himself. 
(Enter Mortimer) 

Mortimer — Luncheon is served. 

Smudge — ( With vivacity) Let ua in to the "eats "! — the viands. 

Emily — AUons, Frederick, to dejeuner! 



(They go off and up towards house, except Smudge who turns to Morti- 
mer) 
Smudge — Mortimer, is the lunch worthwhile? Sing out the items. 

Mortimer — Boullion glace, a petit filet Mignon, la flnanciere, a lobster 

mayonaise, a fruit salad, a 

Smudge — Enough! I could find my way to the battlefield with my eyes 
shut! 

(Exit Smudge, followed by Mortimer smiling. Music, then enter pupils 

of Moselle Academy of Design, each one carrying a panel picture in cover - 

ing. They sing chorus of " Students Are We."). (Eva also enters during 

number). 

Harry — (After Eva's song with girls Harry enters) Hallo, Eva, not forget- 
ting you, girls! (Saluting girls) 

Girls — Oh, it's Mr. Boland. ( lliey run up and bring Mm down) 

Harry — We've just been wrestling with the lunch. 

Eva — We've had ours. You're late. Well, are you going to give me the 
glorious reception? 

Harry — (Offering to shake hands) Howdy, Era, Howdy! 

Eva — And you haven't seen me for hours, yet you hang back. (Parses lips 
for kiss) 

Harry — (Starts to kiss her, then iMuses) Wait till I dust them off. (Then 
changes his mind) No, I daren't kis8 you,. 

Myrtle — We won't look. (Eva sits on bench) 

Harry— Oh, I'd like you to— I'm rather good at it. (Sits by Eva) 

Doris — You can be seen from the house. 

Eva — (Rising) Let's go into the summer house. 

Ivy — No, we can surround you. 

All — (As they start to gather around as a screen) Yes , 

Harry — If we are surrounded, there's no use resisting. It's jolly good of 
you Eva, but old Smudge is hovering about and . 

All— Who's old Smudge? 

Harry — Smudge is the old rotter who commissioned me to have the panels 
of the eight famous women painted. 

Eva — And is kissing prohibited in his chaste presence? 

Harry — Well, he sets his face against it, ha, ha! Very apt, eh, what! 

Eva — Then I hope he is looking. (Throws arms round Harry and kisses 
him, he losing his hat over back of bench and also his balance) 

Harry — Help! (Recovers his seat) I had no idea I was such an attraction. 
Continue, I'll hold my hat in my hand. (As girl restores Jiat to him) 

Eva— Now, let us talk business. 

Harry — (Arranging himself after his fall) Is my hat on straight? All right, 
what? (Puts hat on again) 

Eva — A strange man has been to the Academy. 

Harry — Some one trying to serve me with papers? 

Eva — No, it looks like a commission. He suggests some one I used to 
know. 

8 



Harry — What's bis name? 
Eva— Kerrazzo! 
Harry— What— ? 
Girls — Kerrazzo! 

Harry — Sounds like a college yell! 
Eva— He says he's from Turkey. 
Harry— Where the trot comes from? 

Eva — No, the cigarettes. But I'm not sure he's from Turkey, his accent i» 
New Joisey. He claims to represent the Sultan, but before we go to the canvas, 
we must hear something rustle like metal. 

Mabel — Trust Eva to look after our interests. 

Eva— How is the Moselle Academy to exist unless its patrons pay for our 
output? 

(Enter Mortimer) 
Mortimer — Mrs. Vane's compliments, and will the young ladies step inside 
for a cup of tea or — something! 
Girls— Will we!— We will! 
Doris — Especially the "something"! 

Mortimer — Please to follow me! (Girls follow Mortimer off. Harry and 
Eva go over to summer house) 

Harry — You haven't met Fred's future wife? 
Eva — No, what about her? 

Harry — Oh, about two millions — which reminds me, when do we cease to 
be friends, that is, when do we marry? 

Eva — (Coyly) When you are willing to risk your life. 
Harry — Good heavens, 1 knew a man took big chances at the same time he 
took a wife, but I didn't think it was necessarily fatal 1 

Eva — Ah, Harry, you are so clever and so dense, at the same time. Before 
you came into my life, I was engaged to a man who thought he could rule ME — 
think of it, rule ME! 

Harry — (Innocently) Couldn't he? 
Eva — He tried it, once. 
Harry — What happened? 

Eva — What usually happens when a woman wants to make a man look like 
thirty cents. I ditched him right, but when he left, he swore he would wring 
the neck of the man who took his place. 

Harry — He did, eh! And I have a weak neck, too. 
Eva— That's why I have kept you at arm's length! 
Harry — This is the shortest arm's length I was ever kept at. (Bus.) 
Eva — Not having heard from him of late, I've grown careless. 
Harry — Keep on being careless By Jove, if he ever turns up and pulls any 
bluffs on me, I'll — I'll — I'll claim police protection. 

Eva — I haven't heard of him for two years, and I haven't seen him for four. 
He was superintendent for some kind of an institution the last I knew of him — 
(Harry rites and pulls Eva up with him) 

9 



Harry — Consign him to the list of things forgotten. Let us wander thru the 
^visteria grove and exchange rediculousnesses. Let us talk about the things we 
are going to buy with the money of Fred's new wife! (lliey wander off) 
(Music and entrance of Nina) 

Nina — (Song — "I'll Be There" After song, Nina locks about. She sees 
picture which has been left against summer house, with back turned. She picks 
up and looks at it wonderingly as Fred enters. He does not see her at first) 

Fred— ( Calling Harry) Harry, Har , (Then suddenly sees Nina j By 

Jove ! (Coughs loudly) Ahem — ! 

Nina — (Very demure, gives a little startled scream) ■ Oh, how you frightened 
mel 

Fred — Oh, can I be of any service to you? 

Nina — No , I live here, I'm Miss Vane! 

Fred — (To himself) And this is the " mere child " ! 

(Fred eyes her in amazement.) , 

Nina — I'm just over from France. Are you a friend of mamma's ? 

Fred — At present, yes. How it will work out tho I can't tell '' He starts to 
:go. Then returns as if in spite of himself j 

Nina — Don't hurry away. Do you know this gentleman my mamma has 
written me she is to marry ? 

Fred — Yes, I know him Intimately. 

Nina — Is he nice ? 

Fred— Hike him! 

Nina — He's ugly, fat, and bald-headed, isn't he ? 

Fred— Oh, not exactly. Why ? 

Nina — Does he suit mamma ? 

Fred — How many questions do you want me to answer at once ? 

Nina — I hope he and mamma make each other happy, because I shall want to 
get married myself soon. 

Fred — You will ? Have you your eye on anybody ? 

Nina — Oh no, but at seventeen, one must be prepared for the worst. (Hesi 
-tates a second) Who are you ? 

Fred — I ? Oh let me see, who am I ? Oh yes, I'm an artist. 

Nina — Oh, I'm so glad, I adore artists. Did you paint that beautiful pic 
ture? 

Fred — Ye — ye — yes. 

Nina — Aren't you clever 1 What is your name ? 

Fred — (Absent mindedly gazing at her beauty j When I look at you, I forget 
my name. Oh yes, I've thought of it. It's Charles ! 

Nina— Charles ? 

Fred — Do you know you speak English like a French girl I 

Nina— That's because I have been in France since I was a baby. You must 
lielp me with my English. 

Fred — On condition that you will help me with my French. 

Nina — Do you know anything of French? (Delightedly) 

Fred — I'm just beginning to tackle the verb " to love l' 

10 



Nina — Oh, that is a regular verb ! 
Fred— You bet it is ! 
Nina— Let me hear you. 

Fred — Very well, Je t'aime, Je t'aime, Je t'aime ! (Grows more tender with 
each repetition ) 

Nina — That is, "I love you." Go on. 

Fred— That's as far as I know. 

Nina — The rest is " tu ra'aimes." Thou lovest me. 

Fred— I wouldn't dare say that, yet ! 

(Enter Hariyfrom back, surprising the flirtation) 
Harry — Hello, Fred. (Then recovering himielf) Oh, I beg your pardon old 
dear. 

Nina — (To Fred) You said your name was Charles ! (Reproachfully) 
Fred — It's his mistake. He doesn't know my name as well as I do. (llien 
introducing Harry) Miss Vane, this is Mr. Boland. Harry this is Miss Nina, 
(Harry looks at Jam curiously. Fred laughs nervously) 
Nina— What is the matter wita you ? 

Fred — Why, you doubted me when I said my name was Charles, and he 
called me Fred. 

Harry — Yes, you see artists change their names so often. 
Nina— Like burglars. 

Harry — Yes, no ! We give each other fresh names for fun every month, and 
for the current month he is Charles, aren't you, Fred ? 

Fred— Yes, George, but she doesnt seem to believe us . 

Harry — I, I only came for my picture. 

Nina — Your picture ? (1 hen to Fred) I thought you painted it. 

Fred — So did I, (Nudges Harry violently) That is, so I did. 

Harry — Well Fm 

Fred — No you're not, the fact is, we both painted it. Half each. 
Harry— Fifty-fifty ! 

Nina— Which is your half ? (To Fred) 

Fred — Mine's the underneath part, 1 did the figure, and he dressed it. 
Nina — You are making fun of me. 

Harry — Oh, no. It's the modern way. Before pamting clothes now-a-days, 
one always does the body first. 

Nina — Oh, what a waste of figure 

Harry — Well really, it's only a figure of speech ! 
Nina — Oh, you must paint me. 

Harry — 1 would be delight 

Fred — (Pushing Harry oul of the way and stepping in front of her) It will 

be my masterpiece ! ( Then pointiyig to picture) Here Lionel 

Nina — Lionel ? 

Harry — I was " Lionel " last month. He's forgotten. 

Fred — (Indicating picture) What ever you are, take your picture in out of 
the sun, or the lady's shoulders will be blistered. 

11 



Harry — (Picking up picture, and lowering voice to Fred) 1 don't think at the 
present rate, it will be long 'fore you'll be ready for Smudge's imbecile factory. 

Smudge — (Offstage, to Mortimer) Don't bother, Mortimer, I will find him 
myself. 

Fred — That pest of a Smudge. (Then to Nina) Excuse me, Miss Nina, I 
simply must tear myself away, aurevoir ! (Calling Harry) Harry, wait for me ! 
(He catches up with Harry, they exit together. Nina watches Fred off with long- 
ing glance, then nghs. Smudge enters) 

'^xxiu6.g(i—( Still talking offstage to some one) We will inspect thestudios for 
the frescoes, later, (Enters) Ah! ( Nina turns and sees Smudge) No doubt this 
is the little lady who gave us so much anxiety ! 

Nina — Yes, I am Nina ! And you're my new papa-to-be ! Mon cher papa. 
(Throwing herself into his arms, much to his surprise and pleasure) 

Smudge — (Kisses her) Impetuous little thing ! But check not your exuber- 
ance, I like it. 

Nina — Oh, papa, you are exactly like the picture I formed of you ! 

Smudge — Isn't this nice ? Who wouldn't be your papa ! Ah, if things were 
only different, how different they would be, and now I suppose your little heart 
is going pit-a-pat to see mamma ! 

Nina — No, I am angry with her, she was not there to meet me. 

Smudge — How very perturbing ! 

Nina — After being away ever since I was a little girl of seven, she could 
Tiave waited for me a little minute ! 

Smudge — I'd wait a year for you, but I think I had better tip her off, that 
is, apprise her of 

Nina— Tip her off, I like that (Lavghs) come back soon, I find you so 
amusing. 

Smudge— 1 wonder if that's a compliment or a knock ! i Then to Nina) 
Ah, we'll have many a romp together, but first a chaste fatherly salute on 
the brow, on the brow. (He goes to kiss her on the brow with great show of 
ceremony, but slides his lips down to level of her mouth at the '■'kissing instant" 
and kisses her full on the mouth) 

Nina — That wasn't on the brow 

Smudge — (Smacking Jiis lips) How very annoying, 1 am so short sighted, 
very short sighted. 

(Then pauses as idea comes to him) Let us try it once more, on the brow. (Kisses 
her this time on the brow, then starts off, tcagging head in negative) Not the 
same, not the same ! (Nina laugss at him heartily. Enter her motlie.r) 

Nina — (Not seeing her mother, and following Smudge with eyes) Mon dieu ! 
Comme il est drole I 

Emily— Nina ! Nina I 

Nina— Mamma ! Mamma ! At last ! ( They embrace) 

Emily— Mon chery enfant ! Now let me look at you. (Looks her over) 
Nina ! (Exclaims with horrified expression) You are a young lady I 

Nina— Yes, even in Paris, people grow up. Oh, mamma, why do you take 
me from Paris which I adore ! 

13 



Emily — This is your home, child, and you must realize that many things 
are very quesy que cast ! 

Nina — Mais out ! Mamma, your French is terrible ! But oh, I have seen 
papa ! 

Emily— That-is-to-be. Ah, Comme il est, salle a manger. (Nina Imigha 
at htr I Of course you like him? 

Nina — Of course I do not, but he may improve. 

Emily — Surely you think he is handsome ? 

Nina — Mon dieu, no ! In Paris we laugh at men like him. 

Emily — But at least you must admit he has a sunny disposition ! 

Nina — Is that what you call grinning like a monkey? 

Emily — Enough ! You must show respect, even if you don't feel it. If 
you were older, I should tres angry avec yous. 

Nina — How old do you think I am, mamma ? 

Emily — (Douhthdlyt Going on lifteen. 

Nina — Eighteen, next birthday. 

Emily — No, I insist on your being only fifteen. 

Nina — (As Mortimer enters) How old are you, mamma ? 

Emily — I have just turned thirty. (Mortivier nearly chokes iviih attempt 
to conceal laughter) Mortimer, take Miss Nina's hand bag to her room at once. 
{Mortimer is solemii again in a jiffy ) 

Nina— Don't worry, mamma, about your age. I will wake you up and 
make you feel young again. (Nina foUounng Mortimer. Smudge enters 
hoicever just as she has throxvn arms about her mother's neck to kiss her, 
and halts her) 

Smudge— On the brow. (And going iip to Nina attempts to kiss her, 
but Mi^s. interferes) 

Emily — Mr. Smudge ! (Severely) 

Smudge— Ms Mna Exits) A sweet fragrant blossom, but after all, not 
her mother ! 

Emily — (Coyly) Oh, Mr. Smudge. 

Smudge— Some men prefer a bud; I prefer a full blown, what shall I 
say ? 

Emily — (Sweetly) A rose ! 

Smudge— No, something larger, something more voluptious, as it were — 
let us say a chrysanthemum. There are times when we cannot say chrysan 
themum easily, but it is as yet, early in the day ! 

Emily — Do you think living in Paris has given Nina a polish, or peculiar 
ideas ? 

Smudge— Why not, it would me ! But where is the genial Mr. Corson ? 

Emily — I think he is with his friend, Mr. Boland. 

Smudge — And has the little one made his acquaintance yet ? 

Emily — Yes, and she does not like him ? 

Smudge — How very exasperating, that is, how annoying, and yet, how 
fortunate. 

Emily — What do you mean ? 

13 



Smudge — Why, with a husband younger than yourself, and a daughter 
also younger than yourself, why of course, do you get me, that is, do you 
understand — quad erat demonstrandum ? 

Emily — Oh, you speak French, too ? 

Smudge— (Aside) Like a Scandinavian ! 

Emily — How ravensat. Yes, I understand you perfectly. But Nina thinks 
my future husband foolish and not the least attractive. 

Smudge — How odd, I never could see bis looks, never, and he's not the 
type who would appeal to her anyway, he's 

Emily — She has taken an absolute dislike to him. 

Smudge — Wise kid, that is, sensible child. I'm really glad for j'our sake, 
maybe you'll reconsider. 

Smudge— Shall we go indoors and inspect the panels, not the doors, but 
the eight models Madame Moselle has brought with her for our approval ? 

Emily — Yes, and we must send for Fred, and his friend. I would like 
to have their opinions also. I may be completely en rapport, but I feel I am 
more tete du veau a la financiere. 

Smudge — Just what I was going to say. On the question of technique, 
we must bow to them, but on the larger, nobler question of human appeal, 
dear lady, be guided by Gabriel Smudge. (They exit toicard house as Fred 
and JSina enter together from opposite side) 

Fred — r^s they approach sniumer house) Did you see me from your 
window ? 

Nina — Yes, and I could see you were unhappy, that is disturbeti about 
something 

Fred — Your eyes are altogether too sharp, little girl. 

Nina — Ah, but you don't deny it. 

Fred— Do I interest you ? 

Nina — Very much, and you like me too, don't you ? 

Fred — (They have crossed over from summer house to seat at left and 
sit. He puts his arm on back of settee and they are quite absorbed in 
conversation as Smudge enters from right. Seeing them, Smudge grimaces 
significantly and exits quietly) Much more than I fear I should. 

Nina — When will you start on my picture ? 

Fred — I have already started. 

Nina — Ah, you are joking with me. 

Fred — No, I'm not; I've been fixing your face in my mind. I shall never 
forget it. It's true, what I said, I have already outlined your face on the 
canvass of my heart (Smudge and Emily enter, and steal into summer house 
and look from, R thru at the others) 

Nina — You talk like a book of poetry, don't you ? 

Smudge — (To Emily, indicating Fred and Nina) Now, what do you 
think of that young man ? 

Emily — I am all f lappe, what is to be done ? 

Smudge— Back to school for hers, but don't let her know she has got your 
goat, I mean that your susceptibilities are wounded. 

14 



Emily — I will send her off to school again at once. 

Smudge — And him, back to the mines ! 

Emily — (Comes out of summer house, calling before she is seen by Fred 
or Nina) Nina ! Nina ! (Fred immediately edges away to other end of 
seat as Emily appears) 

Nina — Here I am, mamma. 

Emily — Nina, I have been thinking since I left you, and have come to 
the conclusion that your education is to pas encore. It cannot be completed 
at your age as yet and 

Nina — Oh, I know an awful lot, mamma. 

Smudge — (Who has folloived Mrs. Vain) Maybe a lot more than I sus- 
pected ! (This aside) A lot of what, child ? You have no doubt been reared 
In a false atmosphere. A miasmatic, blighting influence pervades in Paris, 
and you should have the sobering influence of an American boarding school. 

Fred — You sang that very well, Gal)riel. 

Smudge — Poof to you, sir ! 

Emily — It is my duty, Nina, to send you back to school. 

Nina— Now? 

Smudge — At once. School is the place for you, dear! 

Nina — I won't go. (Leaves others, goes over and sits by self, sulkily) 

Smudge — What are we going to do about it? tell me. 

Fred — Where do you propose to send her ? 

Emily — I will make inquiries suite toute, or ( interrogating Smudge) is 
It, toute suite ? 

Smudge — 1 think it's tootie fruit. 

Nina — Speaking across from where she sitsj I think, mamma, you ought 
to go to school yourself, if you are going to persist in speaking French. Please 
don't try to talk it, as you don't. 

Smudge — There are some excellent boarding schools in the Bronx, and 
also in Westchester and other suburbs. 

Fred — And traces of them are still to be found in Hoboken ! 

Smudge — Again poof to you ! 

Emily— Mr. Smudge, mon cher ami, will you please advj me where to 
send her ? 

Smudge — You couldn't stop me with a black jack, a homely simile but 
meaning that I am devoted to your service. (Crosses over to Nina and pats 
her on the hand) 

Nina — (Furiously) Don't come near me, I hate you ! Ugh ! (Shudders 
in disgust) 

Smudge — (Panic stricken) You see ! When you try to do good, you get 
in bad ! 

(Smudge pulls Emily with him and they exit) 

Fred — Don't feel badly, little girl, wherever you are I'll visit you. 

Nina — I'm so miserable, I don't know what to think, 

Fred — Just think and know you have found one real friend in me. I will 
never change my high regard for you. 

16 



(Song, duet. Fred and Nina) 

(After song in which pupils may join, Fred gees up with Nina and watches 
her as she heads for home. Harry and Eva enter opposite) 

Fred — (Turning and seeirig them) Harry! Eva! for the love of Mike, come 
here. 

Harry — What's the matter? 

Fred — I'm in love. 

Eva — Don't make me laugh ! 

Fred — ( Very seriously) No, I mean it. 

Harry — You're in love, old dear? 

Fred — I am. And with the dearest, cutest, little thing God ever made. Im 
in love with my future, that is my ex-future step daughter. 

Harry — I saw it coming. Have you told mamma yet? 

Fred — Don't be a fool. 

Harry — Your recommendation has come too late. 

Eva — She'll have to know, in time. 

Fred — Of course, but to confess you are madly in love after five minutes' ac- 
quaintance, seems assinine. 

Harry — Seems? It is! 

Eva — Where is the dearest, cutest, little thing? 

Fred— Packing to go back to school. 

Eva — Then mother discovered you discovering that daughter was the dear- 
est, cutest, little thing, eh? 

Fred — Stop kidding, and tell me what is to be done. 

Eva — Let me think. 

Harry — Let us think! 

Fred — Whether we "let" or not, the result is the same in your case. 

Harry — Gad, but you've got a nasty disposition. 

Eva — I have it ! 

Harry — She has it, what have you? 

Eva— You want the girl put in some school where you can see her now and 
then. 

Fred — Cut out the "then" and suggest something that means a continuous 
"now." 

Harry — And this was once a normal human being. 

Eva— Has Mrs. Vain fixed on a school yet? 

Harry— Nothing is "fixed" until you've paid a deposit or arranged with the 
chief of police. 

Fred — She's going to investigate several schools. 

Eva — Fortunately, she has'nt seen me yet. 

Harry— I think she is much to be pittied. 

Eva— Will you go back to your basket? (Then to Fred) There is a high 
class Academy in West End Avenue, kept by an aunt of mine, called the Moselle 
Finishing School for Girls. 

Fred— Well! How'll that help matters? 

16 



Eva — Why, ours is the Moselle Academy, too. Let her join my art classes 
and Mrs. Vain won't know the difference. The names are the same. 

Harry — ( With expanded chest) And this is the lady who is to wear the Boland 
coat of arms on her auto, when slie marries. 

Eva — What do you think of my plan? 

Fred — It's wonderful. Of course you'll take great care of her. 

Marry — He talks as if be had been eating hot mush. 

Eva — Fred, we may be Bohemian, but nobody can say we aren't perfectly 
re-pcciable. 

Fred — Fine, Eva, I leave it to you to fool Emily, and she's easy. 

Harry — That's a cinch, when she'd stand for you. But, sweetheart, now 
that we've solved your problem, what about old Smudge? 

E^a — He doesn't know me, you're the only one he's ever seen about those 
panels. 

Fred — It seems so simple ; it's strange it didn't occur tome before. 

Harry — That's what the "lookers on" say of every game. 

(Trio. Fred, Harry and Eva. "l8 That All," with dance) 

Eva— Harry, don't forget to tell the girls not to spoil the scheme by saying 
what they shouldn't say. 

Hai ry — Rely on me, and even more so on the girls. (He goes off) 

Smudge — (Entering. Coughs to call attention of Fred toho is near 
Slimmer house into which Eva has gonej 

Fred— Oh, is that you, Mr. Smudge? 

Smudge — I cough to let people know I'm coming, instead of using a Claxen 
horn. 

Fred — Yes, I've heard the rattlesnake rattle just before it bites. 

Smudge — You don't like my cough, then? 

Fred — I do, I hcpe it proves fatal. 

Smudge — High spirited youth (Asiile) F^eshgink! 

Fred — By the way, have you picked a school for Miss Nina yet? 

Smudge — Not yet. Ihe selection of a forcing frame wherein the tender 
plant may be nurtured to maturity, is no light matter. The girl is now at an 
impressionable age when — 

Fred — I prefer your cough. 

Smudge — I know you don't mean to be rude. 

Fred — On the contrary, I do. (Eva is in summer house changing her ap- 
pearance from artistic carelessness to Ihat of prim severity) 

Smudge — How very annoying. Then its no use my saying anything. 

Fred— Not to me, but I have something to say to you. ( Eoa comes out of 
summer house) By the greatest good luck, I saw this lady, behind you. Smudge, 
passing the house. She is the principal of the most select finishing school for 
your girls in America. 

^va.\xd.gQ—( Turning around and studying Miss Eva, whose face soon re- 
laxes into a captivating smile) Introduce me, I like her ground plan. 

Fred — Madame Moselle, this is Mr. Smudge, the philanthropist. 

Smudge — Delighted. ( Offers hand) 

17 



Eva — Charmed. 

Smudge — (Carensing her hand) What a soft, pink bunch of digits. I mean 
what a pretty mitt, that is to say, hand. 

Eva — 1 have heard so much about you, Mr. Blot. 

Smudge — My name's not Blot, it's Smudge. And where is your Academy? 
Eva — In West End Avenue. At the risk of making you blush, let me say, 
we often discuss your philanthropies, Mr. Blur. 

Smudge — Not Blur, Madame, Smudge! (Then to Fred) A remarkably 
sy metrical person. Madame Moselle, (again addressing her) Mrs. Vain has left 
her little girl entirely in my hands. 

Fred— Taking long chances in so doing, but meaning the question of her 
education. 

Eva — Lucl^y woman, to have such an advisor. 

Smudge— That's what she thinks, abera! Don't think me rude, but if you 
arranged your hair a little differently, you would be very, very appealing. 
Eva— Oh, Mr. Splosh! 

Smudge — N<>t Splosh, Blosh, Slosh! Suffering Mike, I'm beginning to con- 
fuse myself with somebody else. 

Eva— I have to be very paiticular, Mr. What's-your-name, m}- pupil's 
parents are particular. 

Smudge — How very annoying. 
Eva — I shall require references. 

Smudge— Quite right! (Then to Fred) As an artist, you must have noticed 
her neck? 

Ev;i — Any time you wish to visit the academy, telephone me or send a post 
card, dear Mr. Smear! 

Smudge — No, not Smear; you make me feel like some kind of cheese. 
Eva — I may say, we give the pupils eggs for breakfast. 
Smudge — What lavish prodigality! (Aside to Fred) What an eye! Did 
you see it flash, and what tempting lips! 

Eva — Are we to consider it settled then, Mr. (eatends hand) 

^TOM^gQ — (Kissing it gracefully) Who could resist. And if you will come 
with me, we will meet Mrs. Vain and settle the terms. She will like you; I like 
you. This is a great day for me! 

Eva— Why? I suppose you want me to ask why! 

Smudge — Because it has brought you into my young life. (They go off to- 
gether. Smudge very effusive, Eva stiff but artfully gracious. Ilarry comes on with 
girls) 

Harry — How's everything coming along? 
Fred — Splendid. He's so easy, it's almost a crime. 
Harry — Don't forget what I told you, girls. 
Mabel — We won't spoil, sport! 

Fred — You don't mean to say you've told them the whole affair? 
Harry — I had to; they made me. 

Lottie — Don't worry, we can keep a secret with any man who ever lived. 
(Finale ) 

18 



ACT II. 

< After opening number, Matthein, who has been p"8iny on pedestal, comes d<rwn 
froni mmc) 

Matthew — I'd like to go on posin', ladies, but I've got to clean up the studio. 
Excuse me. f He picks np overalls from floor, starts to pull them on over his Roman 
armor costume, so that he is soon in a ludicrous combination of ancient and modern) 

Mabel We'd better stop, anywa}^ 

Lottie — Y(.'s, the lights are gone. 

Doris— We've got to fix ourselves up for the birthday party, too. 

Myrtle — How many birthdays has Madame Moselle had this year, Matt? 

Matt — Only three, that I can remember. (General laughs) 

Ivy — Every time we feel the need of a little relaxation, Eva obliges with a 
birthday. (Girls' businefiS) 

Matt — Oh, you don't say so! 

Fern— First thing you know, she'll be a hundred years old. 

(Enter Harry in painter's get-zip, exaggerated with marl-stick ichich he uses 

as a cane, and after, in criticising the girl's xcork) 

Harry — Flas the whistle blown? Knocking- off work, I see. Good idea! 
Little Nina not painting? 

Irene — Xo, she's in her room. (Girls all laughs) 

Mabel — Art does not appeal to her. 

Olive — No, she is too interestfd in studying Mr. Charles. (More laughs) 

Harry — (Seeing Matt for first time. Mattherr has been clearing tip camp stools, 
etc/ I say, Matthew, what in the name of odd mixtures are you supposed to be? 

Matt — From the waist down, sir, I'm in the twentieth century; from the 
waist up, I'm lost in the mists of antiquity. 

Harry — I like the helmet; it keeps the dust out of your hair. 

Matt — Yes, sir! (He resumes work about the place quietly, not interfering with 
Harry's dialogue and business with pictures) 

Harry — (Crossing to easel, turning picture to audience, points to it icith mark- 
stick j I say, Myrtle, (pointing at picture) is this supposed to be our man of all 
work? 

Myrtle — Yes, sir. Why? 

Harry — You've done the helmet beautifully, all it needs is to be turned this 
way (business of turning upside down so as to resemble coal scuttle) and put a few 
bits of coal in it. 

Myrtle — Oh, you mean thing! (Myrtle exits) 

Harry — (Going to another j/icture) Ah, this is better! The painting of the 
flesh here is perfect, of its kind. It's cooked a little too much, but anybody 
could tell it was beef. 

Lottie— You wretch ! ( Off) 

Harry — (To another girl who is about to'\make off with her canvas) Hey! 
Hey! (Detaining her) Dait, don't put it to bed yet. Ah, now, this, (taking it 
from girl and examining critically > this is a work of art. (Girl smiles with pleas- 
ure) The pose is natural to a marked degree; but, what is he doing? trying to 
get something off a shelf, or deep-breathing exercise? 

19 



Matt — (Butting in) Looks to me, sir, as if I was stretchin' my hand, sir, for 
something I'd been promised. 

Harry — (Putting hand in pocket) Oh, that reminds me 

Matt — I thought it might, sir. 

Harry — ( Withdrawing hand from pocket, empty) Yes, I promised you some- 
thing. I'm much obliged to you for reminding me. I certainly have one rotten 
memory. Just remind me again, Matt, will you? 

Matt — I will, sir; there's nothing the matter with my memory. (Business, 
by this time he has gotten busy %oith a swab, and is cleaning up fl^or, round 
Harry's feet, affording Harry chance for movement in getting out of his way to 
avoid him) 

Harry — Are you cleauin"- the floor, or giving me a free shine? 

Matt — Beg pardon, sir. 

(Enter Fred icith automobile coat on, and goggles) 

Fred — Finished work? 

Harry — Yes; but I say, is this your first appearance here to-day? 

Fred — No, I've been here quite a time. 

Harry — And "mother"' hasn't the least idea? 

Olive— Oh, what a joke! 

Girls — Splendid! Great! ( Etcetera) (All laugh) 

Fred — Please, don't look upon this as a joke. 

Harry — No; how dare you! 

Fred— I feel I'm treating Emily very shabbily; but, hang it, Icouldn t help 
falling in love with Nina! 

Harry — (To Matt, who is busy around Harry's feet with swab ichertver Harry 
moves) I say, Matt, are you following me about, or am I in your way ? 

Matt — Over there, sir, please; there's a bit of dust there. (Harry and Fred 
cross stage out of Matt's way. Girls follow) 

Fred — If Nina suspected she was stealing me from her own mother, Ihere'd 
be an end of me, with her ! 

Harry — I'm not so sure ; a girlie likes to put one over on mamma occasion- 
ally (Turning to Matt who is swishing round his feet again j Say, Matt, are you 
cutting the grass ? 

Malt — [ thought I saw a feetprint here. 

Fred — Nina still thinks Smudge is her future step-father. 

Harry — That's almost enough to drive the poor dear to grape-juice. 

Matt — Pardon me shippin' in, sirs, but t)ie Turk's been here again. 

Harry — Yes ? 

Matt — He was askins: for Mister Smudgo, sir. 

Fred — Why should he ask here for Smudge ? 

IjoXXie— (Who lias come down with other girls at this) Perhaps he heard 
of his buying the Zuleika. 

Irene — Or of our great commission, the Eight Famous AVomen. 

Harry — I've taken a dislike to that little rotter; his skin looks so shop worn. 

Matt — Quile right, sir ; and under his breath, he swears something horrible 
sir. 

20 



Harry — Ob, that was what 1 heard, eh; I thought it was a truck h)a(led with 
iron girders rumbling by. 

Matt — I think he carries a concealed stiletto, 

Harry — Let him carry the bally thing, so long as he keeps it permanently 
concealed. 

Matt— He's got a nasty way of sticking his hand in his inside coat pocket, 
that looks very, very threatening; it's got me buffaloed. ( The men look at each 
other doubtfully) 

Ivy— (Gleefully ) Won't it be jolly if he starts something. 

Fred — (Starting to strut and expanding chest j When he's here and looks like 
becoming a nuisance, call me. 

Harry — Yes, call him. Never mind me; I can't bear the sight of the 
bounder, I prefer absent treatment for mine. 

Fred — I shall be delighted to throw him out any time. 

Harry — Have you cast your eye over this white-hope yet? 

Fred — I don't care if he weighs as much as a bull-walrus; I, 

Matt— Sir, li you need any help jabbin' the harpoon into him, whistle S. O. 
S. and I'll fly to your assistance. (Picks up bucket and swab, the latter over his 
shaulcler. Business as he turns, Harry has to duck under mop, and Fred catches 
bucket on shins. Matt goes off not noticing) 

Fred— How do you whistle S. O. S. ? 

Harry — With a hair lip (After a second^s pause) but gallant youth don't 
whistle for me. If I were to get in a mix-up, it would ruin my brush work, and 
I sbould not be able to shave. (Re goes up and affright) 

Girls — (To B^ed) There's something suspicious about this Turk, if he is a 
Turk. 

Ivy — Perhaps Mrs. Vain is having you watched. 

Mabel — Yes; what if he is a detective ':' 

Girls — What fun! (Laughs) 

Fred— Ideas differ as to fun. I'm certain, I'm sure I shouldn't see any fun 
or humor in losing my only girl, and that's wliat it would mean most likely. 

(Fred, Song, " Only Girl," C horns by girls with Iiini) 
Most every fellow ha"* a sweetheart, and there are some who've two or three. 
I've never loved but one, all other girls I shun, there's only one in all this world 

for me, oh gee ! 
I love that girl, I love her to distraction, 
Both day and night my head and heart are in a whirl. 
In ev'ry way she meets my views with satisfact on, 
For she's my only girl! 

(Refrain) 
Yes, she's my only girl! 
Yes, she's my only pearl. 

I just can't live without her love; she must be mine 
I'll always worship at her shrine. 
Oh my, what would I do. 

31 



If she should prove untrue! 

This life would be 

No place for me 

If I should lose my on-ly girl ! 

(Dance, then girls all exeunt. Fred returns) 
(Enter JSiina in simple afternoon gown) 

'Nina— (Calling) Oh, Mister Charles! Mister Charles! 

Fred — (Approac7iinghei\ as she enters) Nina ! ( Comes down and greets 

her, taking her hatids) 

Nina — My! but you have a nice way of shaking hands; you hold onto them. 

Fred — Do you mind? 

Nina— No, I like it. 

Fred— Thank you Oh, Nina, the month's up, I've decided to change 

my name to Fred for the next thirty days. 

Nina— Good; I like Fred better than Charles anyway. 

Fred — Nina, little girl, you are looking prettier than ever to-day. 

Nina — Oh, I wish mamma were here; don't you? 

Fred — (Stammering) We— 11, she—. You, I don't think I'd care for a third 
party about. 

Nina— (Archly) Why not? 

Fred — (Dropping her hands,} I think your mamma is worrying about your 
future step-father. 

Nina — About that awful little man? Nobody would steal Mr. Smudge from 
her. 

Fred — You never can tell; suppose, for argument's sake, you were to fall in 
love with him ? 

Wmdi.—( Laughs merrily ) Impossible! He's such an ugly, slippery sort of 
man. 

Fred — But if he were, young and handsome, that is passable like — er, me? 

Nina — Oh, I should call you good looking. 

Fred — Thank you, I had an idea I was, but suppose you fell in love with 
him! If he were like me, would you then consider mamma? 

Nina — Oh, yes. I'd runaway and forget! You see I'd have lots of other 
chances. 

Fred — (^h ! (Not exactly pleased) Have you a pretty frock for this evening? 

iSina— I hadn't thought about it. 

Fred — Eva will help you, no doubt. I'll see her about it now. Of course I 
hate to leave you — er, of course. 

Nina — Why "of Course?" 

Fred — Oh ! I was just a little disappointed at the way you answered me just 
now; but anyway, I have a little surprise to arrange in which I want you to 
help me. 

Nina— What is it? 

Fred — I won't tell you until I know I can work it. 

Nina — (As Fred goes up to R) Don't be away long; my hands are lonely. 
(Smiles slyly) 

23 



Fred — (Pausing) If 1 were to »sk you to give me one, 1 wonder 

Matt — (Heard off, in altercation with Kcrrazzo) Who are you pushing? I 
don't care, my order is jo admit nobody 1 

Fred— Confound it! (Kissing Nina's hand, hurries off hastily, Nina 
looks after him, then sighs contentedly) 

Matt -Can't you read? Kerrazzo! I don't care if you're Car-u-so. 

KevT&zzo—(Off stage) Out of my way, infidel! 

M&Xi— (Still off stage) Don't you see that sign, "No dogs admitted." 
That lets you out! 

Kerrazzo — (Entering majestically. Matt following, who,n he ptishes out of 
the way behind him) B-r-r-r-r! 

Matt — If I was out of my overalls, I'd hand you something. 

Kerr — (OrowUng) Giaour ! Ah, (Sees Nina w7w has been watching curioutly) 
A fair maid with a face like the rising moon! 

Matt — Miss, don't take no notice of him. 

Kerr — (Turning on him, Matt jumps airay as Kerrazzo thunders in contempt) 
Bashi Basouk, Aziz! (Puts hand inside breast of coat where supposed stilleto is) 
Ramadan. ( Then to Nina) Pardon my little Turkish profanity. (Matt watches 
hand in eoat can fully) 

Nina — I like it, I hope to hear plenty more. 

Kerr — You are as the peri, fresh from Paradise! 

Nina — You are as the bull, fresh from the pen; we make s fine contrast, 
don't we? 

Matt— He's all there with the bull. 

Kerr — (Thru clenched teeth) Feroozeapah! (Moves hand at breast, Matt 
is cowed J 

Matt — After that crownin' insult, I'll tell Mister Fred as he requested. I 
can see you hittin' the sidewalk in about two seconds, sonny. (Goes up and off) 

Kerr — (Smirking at Nina) My master, the sultan, would like to marry you. 

Nina — I understand he has the habit — but I wouldn't care to be one of 
the flock. 

Kerr— Breath of almond breezes— knowest thou, one Smudge? 

Nina— Why do you ask? 

Kerr — Because your eye beams with truth. 

Nina — Oh, don't let my eye fool you. ( Winks at him) 

Kerr — One more look like that, and I am lost. I must remember my 
purpose. Tell me of Smudge! 

Nina— I do not like him, but he is soon to become my papa! 

Kerr- Child, who is thy mother? 

Nina — Don't make faces at me, my mother is Mrs. Vain! 

Kerr — Mrs. Vain! Then he is to marry her? He has won the prize! 
) Storms a second) Chat Talja Kissileh! (Then becoming pacific again) How 
would you like me for a {Sweetly) step-papa? 

Nina— I cannot see that you are any improvement on Mr. Smudge. Are 
you a competitor? 



Kerr — Why not? Am I not a magnificent specimen of the male of the 
species fPose conceitedly) Ladies have been known to throw violets at me. 
Nina— Perhaps it was aU they had to throw. 

Mail— C Reentering ) He's changing his clothes, he can't throw you out for 
five minutes. Do you mind waiting? 

(Harry enters at back in a hurry) 
Harry— Hallo? Hallo! What's all this? Ah, it's Willie with the fez! I'll go 
(Makes start for eocit) or I shall be tempted to strike him. 

Kerr — Don't run away, (Business catcJdng Harry and bringing back) 
Harry — (False bravado) Run away? (Shrinks) This man thinks I'm 
afraid of him! Sir! Anything you have to say to me, (As Kerrazzo makes mili- 
tant move) can just as well be said to our genial janitor (Indicating Matt) 

Matt — I'd rati er talk to him over the phone, sir; the longdistance phone. 
Kerr — If I had my yatagan here, I would love to cut off the ears of both 
of you. 

Harry — (Indicating Matt) Yes, his do stick out a bit, don't they! 
Kerr — (To Matt) Go! Dolma Bagtche. ( Matt backs out gladly ) 
Harry — What ever that may mean. (Ih Nina) Has the Turkish Trophy 
been annoying you? 

Nina — Oh, no! After meeting nothing but artists for a week, he is quite 
a w elcome change. He only asked after Smudge. It seems that he too, knows 
mamma. 

Harry — Candidates for her hand, all seem to come from the remnant counter, 
Kerr — Smudge! (Thunders) I am looking for one Smudge! 
Harry — To satisfy your curiosity, friend Turk, Smudge has not been here. 
Kerr — I will get him yet. I am to him as a shadow. Now, I go! 
Harry — Thank you. 

Kerr — If this child of Eblis returns, speak not of me, nor that 1 mean to 
return. 

Nina — Oh, but you must not. We are going to have a dance and you will 
not be welcome. 

Harry — Just among ourselves, we are going to have a little Bohemian 
evening, eh? what! 

Nina — A little tango party. 

Harry — Yes, dancing at nine, and ambulances at eleven ; you'd be desired 
about as much as a splosh of gravy on a white table cloth. 
Kerr — I please myself. 
Nina— Ma foi, but he is easily satisfied! 

Kerr — (As he exits) Expect me again, Faziza Mazilleh Jahongorf Mazeeps! 
{Exits) 

Harry — He speaks the finest line of Yiddish I ever heard. How did Fred 
manage to tear himself away from you? 

Nina — He heard that coming. (Indicates tJie departed Kerrazzo) ' 
Harry — He hates to have people around when he's with you. 
l^ima -{Demurely) I've noticed it; besides, he was going to speak to 
Madame about my frock for tonight. Perhaps I'd better interest myself. 

24 



Harry — I would, I've seen it, and it's lovely. 

Nina — {Enthusiastically) What is it like? 

Harry — Let me think, it's a sort of a, no, it isn't either, its a, more of a. 
No, that's wrong; well, to the best of my recollection it's a, what the deuce is it? 
Ah! (Nina grows tired loaiting for an answer, steals up and off leaving Mm 
still contradicting himself) I have it. No, I haven't either. If it wasn't for 
my memory I'd remember things, but that is the one particular in which I am 
dericient 

{Song. I never can remember. After songjie exits) 

Matthew— (5card off) I've got youi' name, Smudge, but I can promise any- 
body'll see you. 

{Smudge enters followed by Matt) 

It's after school hours, sir. 

Smudge— I know it, I know it, and yet. (Looks around Mm curiously, 
tears a dollar bill in two, and hands Matt half with much ceremony) I hate tipping; 
this grafting does grate on me. 

Matt —Thank you, sir. Who do you want to see, sir ? 

Smudge— Mr. Bolaud. Hitherto, I have met him only at his private studio, 
over the baiber's, but I gather from his letter-head that he is a professor of art 
at this — er, Moselle Academy. 

Matt— r Who has been studying the half dollar dubiously). I'll sell this back to 
you for a quarter. 

Smudge — ' Paying no atttention to Mm) Singularly enough, the name of 
this .Vcademy is similar to that in which a young lady I know is er— en- 
tombed. 

Matt — Yes, sir; we give them our over-flow. 

Smudge— Is Mr. Boland in ? 

Matt — I don't know, without askin' him, sir. 

Smudge— I bumped into, that is, I met him, last week, at a Mrs. Vain's. 

Matt— We've got a young lady here by that name, sir. (Smudge starts with 
surprise; he looks keenly at Matt. Matt realizes he may possibly have made a 
mistake/ 

Smudge — Vain ? Did you say Vain ? 

Matt — You said Vain, sir. Why shouldn't I ? 

Smudge— But here? Here at the Moselle Academy of Art? ( Unable to 
grasp it all yet. ) 

Matt — Why not ? It's a well conducted place. 

Smudge — I suppose so, but it looks to me more like something else. But, 
pardon me. (Slyly) The name of your Miss Vain does not happen to be 
Genevive, does it ? 

Matt — (With evident relief) Oh, no; it's Nina. 

Smudge— How very annoying, Nina ! It's the lady I hopad it wasn't. 
(Then severely) Meaial servitor, I must sea the principal. 

Matt— Madame Moselle? 

Smudge— Who the he Who else? 

Matt — At home here, they call her Miss Eva. 

25 



Smudge— With the least encouragement, I'll pull that myself, that is, I shall 
employ that manner of address. Excuse my seeming rudeness. {Noting his cos- 
tume) but what are you ? 

Matt— I'm the " Handy Andy,' sir, janitor, by engagement, but model and 
any other old thing at odd times. 

Smudge — And is that your " Handy " costume? 

Matt — Not exactly, sir. You see when I'm not cleaning flues, or dumpin' 
garbage, I'm a live model! 

Smudge — You alive? Indeed, how very annoying! 

Matt — By the way, Mr. — er. Smudge, there's been a guy er — lookin' for you, 
sir. 

Smudge — (With dignity offended) A guy? What a barbarous term! It 
grates on my ears. 

Matt — If I'm a good guesser, he'll grate on your solar plexus. He's a Turk, 
and he has somethin' on you, sir. He .«ays he's a Basbi Bazuk. What is a Bashi 
Bazook, sir? 

Smudge— I don't know, but it sounds uncomplimentary. I will avoid him 
as I would the plague. Who can it be? Ah, Diogenes ! 

Matt— No, nut Dioxogyn ; his name is Kerrazzo. 

Smudge— Kerrazzo? What ? No, he's a Turk, you say, so he couldn't 

be the former treasurer of 

Matt — Oh, but I'd hate to be you! 

Smudge— He's not coming back, is he? 

Matt— You can't bank on it, sir. 

Smudge — I don't want to bank on it, perhaps I'd better not see the principal 
after all, and yet, Duty; Duty in large type urges me to run the risk. Tell me, 
Brutus, what sort of a life do they lead here ? 

Matt— So quiet you could hear a sewing machine drop. Once a month tho', 
we have a little dance just among the pupils, and to-night's it! 

Smudge— To-night's the night? (Brightens tip) And me, not invited! 
How very annoying! But still, I should love to put one over, that is, surprise 
my little friend Nina and Mr. Boland. Wouldn't it be a good joke? (Laughs 
forcibly). 

Matt — What are we laughing at, sir? 

Smudge — I'm not laughing, I'm coughing. (Then determinedly) I think I 
shall attend the party this evening. 
Matt — You can't. Guests are expected to wear costumes. 

Smudge— Well, what will we do about it. I know, I will take your 
costume. 

Matt — Back to nature for me ? No, sir. 

Smudge — You may retain your overalls. (Confidentially) Cant this be 
arranged? 

Matt — We — 11, sir (Hesitates and gazes at half dollar) 

Smudge — Those things hunt in couples (Shoics him the other half) 

Matt — (Takes it from him) Sure, you won't have to economise on your meals, 
sir. 

26 



Smudge— No, 1 manage to be invited out at least five nights a week. (Medi- 
tatively) How pleased the child will be to see me. 

Matt — I don't know, sir; she's no fool. 

Smudge — What do you mean to infer? 

Matt — I meant no harm, sir. 

Smudge— Lead on, Cassius. We must metamorphosise ourselves before any- 
body sees me, or calls for you. ( They go off together, Enter Kerr by another 
ent) ance ) 

Kerr— Not here ! I could have sworn I saw him enter the building. Curse 
the luck, I have missed him again. (He stoops and lookt thru, key-hole into 
next room, as Fred enters/ 

Fred — Hello, what the deuce are you up to? 

Kerr — ( 2'hunders ) Don't disturb me. 

Fred —The Turk! I know it by the fez! 

Kerr — Yes, yes, yes! (Still keeping to key-hole) 

Fred — That being the case, I am going to— (starts to roll up his sleeves. 

Kerrazzo rises, turns and confronts him calmly with folded arms) ask you to 

have a cigar! 

Kerr— Ms Fred offers him cigar ) I thank you. ( Then stares at Fred) I 
am looking for a man named Smudge. 

Fred — You won t find hioi here. 

Kerr — I saw him come in. 

Fred — Oh dear, no. Why should he! (Then, an idea occurs to him) I wonder 
if that old hypocrite is spying on us? 

Kerr — That fawning whelp is capable of anything ! 

Fred- r Offering another cigar) Have another cigar? 

Kerr — (Roughly knocks case out of Fred's hand, and offering cigar from hit 
omn pocket) Try one of mine ; my own brand! 

Fred— Certainly. 

Kerr — Boy, I will confide in you. 

Fred — It won't cost you a cent. 

Kerr — Smudge and I are enemies. Yes for two years I have sought to get 
even with him. Furthermore, we are rivals ! 

Fred— Y'ou are? What for ? 

Kerr — What for? A lady. Last week I made the acquaintance of a lady, 
and I am wooing her, So is he. 

Fred— He is? Where does this lady live? 

Kerr— She sleeps, in a suburb of your great city, called New Rochel-le. 

Fred— You mean New Rochell, my lord! (Grasps the situation) I wish 
either you or Smudge, the best of luck. Be ardent! be persistent, don't take 
" no " for an answer. If necessary, carry her oflE by force. 

Kerr— When the time is ripe, rely on me. \i present, she hangs back. They 
say there is a young man she loves, but he neglects her of late. 

Fred— My dear Oriental friend, go after her. She would make a grand wife 
for you. 

27 



Kerr— I must first prove to her that this Gabriel Smudge is unworthy of her, 
therefore, I've got to keep an eye on him. 

Fred— Of course. Keep both your eyes on him, and if lie should happen to 
come liere, may I rely on you to kick him out? 

Keir — I ache for the opportunity. 

Fred — This way, Kerrnzzo. (Leading way to left door) You will find 
everything you need in there to make yourself comfortable; wine, whiskey, and 
but perhaps you prefer tea? 

Kerr— Yes, the prophet forbids wine and spirits. It is only unknowingly 
thai I partake of them r Sighs) 

Fred — Kerrazzo, I reach you! (Bows Kerr in door. Then ns he is alone, 
he starts for opposite exit) I must go find Harry! 

(Entrance of girls in party costume, and Eva, for song) 

(Song — "Love is Sure to Get You Soon or Late'') 
(After song, enter Harry > 

Harry — Eva. you are a dream. I have just had news that a grand aunt of 
mine is tottering on the edge of the grave, and if she could see you, she would 
die immediately. 

Eva — Is that meant to be comic or'complimentary? 

Harry — I mean to say she'd leave me the money she promised to, at once, 
just to make you happy. 

Eva — Harry, I'd rather have the money without you. 

Harry — I'll mention it to the dear old thing. 

Eva — Come girls. It's time somebody started brewing the tea. 

(Oirls rush up. Harry stayfi them) 

Harry— Back. I make the tea. I'll show you how they do it in dear old 
England. 

Fred — ( Enteringland rusJiing tip to Harry) Harry, he's in there! ( Indicates 
room in wliieh lie haa ushered Kerrazzo) 

Harry— Who is? 

Fred — Kerrazzo. 

Eva— Oh, the Turk, with the reckless name. What does he want? 

Harry— Chloroforming. I say, Fred, what is the idea? Is he in love with 
Eva? 

Fred— No, he's after Emily, and he tells me Smudge is, too. Between them 
they may solve my problem for me. 

Harry — I never met a chap I was so willing not to meet! 

Fred — If he should discover I'm Emily's suitor, he'll likely concentrate all 
his Turkish playfulness on me! 

Eva — Don't worry, we'll protect you, won't we, children? 

Girls — We sure will. 

Harry — I know these amorous Turks. If he ever runs his eye over'Eva, 
he'll grab her for his harem. 

Eva — You better stay away from me, while he is around here. 

Harry — Anything to prevent bloodshed, mine especially. (Matt enters with, 
tray, tea urn and cups, electric heater, etc. They connect with current to boil tea) 

28 



Ah. the ingredients for the original nectar of the Gods; Fred, girls, watch this. 
I do this better than I paint. 

All — "We hope so. 

(Two girls come down, see Smudge coming, and go back) 

I\ratt— Ma'am, I've got a caller outside, which says it's name is Smudge. 

All— Smudge ! 

Eva — (Excitedly) Boys, I believe he has found out about Nina. Don't let 
us assume it, tho'. (Smudge appears in fall panoply of ancient warrior) 

Smudge — (Bowing awkwardly, losing 7iis helmet as he does so) All hail! Ave! 
Pray, overlook the abbreviated nature of my kilts. 

Matt— r2b Smudge) I took a few reefs in 'em, sir, so's you wouldn't trip 
over. (Looks at Smudge, winks at girls, exits laughing) 

Fred— Of all the pests ! What are we to do? r Aside to Eva) 

Eva — I have it! Compromise him, and compel him for his own sake to keep 
silent! I'll get him to make love to me; you won't mind, will you, Harry? 

Harry — With that Turk about, go as far as you like. 

Fred — Emily mustn't know the trick we've played on her! {Then icith 
assumed surx>rise) Why! It's old Smudge! {Smudge has been busy ogling the 
girls) 

Smudge — I came to see how the eight famous panels were getting on, and, 

incidentally, I heard that Miss Vain was here, and even if I hadn't {Girls 

giggle and encompas Smudge) Ah, gather round, girls, encompas me! 

Fred — {Drags Smudge from group) Suppose Nina er. Miss Vain is here? 

Smudge — I know. What am I going to do about it? I will tell you— ^ — 
investigate ! 

'Eya— {Laughing) ■ And that is your investigating uniform? {Goes to settee) 

Smudge — Believe me, I'm not nutty, that is, in love, with this garb. {Busi- 
ness) 

Eva — In any event, we are charmed to have your society sit by me. {Sh 

makes room for him on settee. He sits by her, at first self-conscious. Fred and 
Ha/rry at back) 

Harry — Matthew {Business at small table at which he and Fred "fi.x" tea. 

He fills cup and hands to Matt) Take this in there to the Turk. Don't let 
Smudge know. 

Smudge — What a change in you, dear la'ly, since first I gazed upon you. 
Now you are a vision of delight. I told you if you fixed your hair differently, 
how vastly it would improve your beauty. 

Eva— The moment I returned from New Rochelle. I followed your advice. 

Smudge — How flattersome, and that costume! H-m, H-m, it is ravishing. 

Eva — Oh, it's nothing, that is, nothing much. Do you like it? 

Smudge — Dear lady, you are the one who put the neck in nectarine! {Matt 
takes tea which Harry has doctored with whiskey and crosses to left.) {S7nudge 
to Matt) Hold, friend, tea is my especial weakness. {Takes cup /rom Matt 
and drinks with pleasure, Matt eyeing him) Ah, how stimulating. What do you 
call that? Oolong? {Kerrazzo is seen at transom watching him) 

Matt — No, sir, that is tea, a la— la Turk. Turkish tea. 

29 



Smudge— Then bring me more. I always like tea, but this is absolutely 
heavenly. 

Harry— (Jo Fred) There's a " stick " — one might almost say, a club in tha* 
dose. 

Fred— He'd better have it than the Turk. Kerrazzo doesn't need any whiskey 
to madden him against Smudge. (Smudge has settled down tofiirt with Eva. j 

Kerr— r At transum) Hist! Hist! Who is that? (Smudge's back is tvrned 
toward Smudge) 

Harry — {Sotto voce) That is Gabriel Smudge, dear. 

Kerr — Eileen Alanna. {Falls back with a crash. All start) 

Smudge — What was that ? 

Fred— (7b Harry) That table had one weak leg, anyway. 

Eva— (^(J Smudge) Oh, Mr. Boland is only putting more tea in the urn. 
{Fred and Harry ham taken Matt' s flask and have prepared another cut of " TVa" 
tchieh Matt now comes for, having in the interim, been passing real tea to all the girls. 
He now gives dosed tea to Smudge) 

Smudge — {As he drinks) Delicious ! I have half a mind to emigrate to 
Turkey. Wouldst accompany me ? (Taking Eva' » hand) 

Era— In that costume '? 

Smudge — Do not mind the togs, dear lady. I could imagine I were in heaven 
with you. 

Eva — I don't believe you need me as a stimulant, Mr. Smudge. 

Girls— There's someone in Mr. Corson's oflSce ! {To Harry) 

Fred — Yes, we know it. Go in Harry, and jolly him. {To Harry) 

Harry— What do you think I am, a lion tamer ? {To Eva) It's Kerrazzo. 

Eva — (Aside to Harry) Give him some tea. 

Harry— We've been trying to. but Smudge heads Matt off every time he 
starts with it. {Jlien to Matt) Matthew, some tea for Mr. Corson's lodger. 

Matt — I was just attending to it. sir. (Starts again, but once more Smudge 
intervenes, and takes the cup) 

Smudge — Ah, more tea for me; how very kind you all are. {Drinhs) And 
the same brand as before. 

Harry— Help yourself, old top. There's a gallon of it making eyes at you> 
Matthew (to Matt) you look after Mr, Smudge, I will now enter the cage with no 
weapon but a switch (He crosses over and enters to left room where Kerr is) 

Eva— Where is Mr. Smudge getting it ? (Smudge has gone up to table and i$ 
busy with girls) 

Fred — Harry is doctoring his tea with whiskey, and the old rascal loves it. 
If we can get him thoroughly soused, he won't dare betray us to Emily. 

Eva — But she'll have to know sometime ! 

Fred — We don't want to get Nina into trouble, and as to my falling from 
grace, we don't wish the news to hit Emily like a bolt from the blue, do we ? 

Eva — No, it would be kind to let her prepare for the shock. 

Smudge — {Coming down) Fairest of the sex, allow me, on bended knee, to 
offer thee some tea. {Business offering cup and kneeling) I'm not as graceful as 
I might be, but who could be graceful with these hard-ware gaiters on ? 

30 



Eva— The iatention is everything. 

Smudge — (Busmets of pain as Eva sits on Jm knee) Oh, how very annoying, 
a rivet or something ii running into my Itnee cap. Girls, assist me to the per. 
pendicular. {Oirlt help Smudge to Ms feet. Harry enters hurriedly) 

Harry— (To Fred) Loolc out, the managery's loose. {Kerraeto apptan in 
left, he comes across smiling calmly) 

Kerr — ( Between gritted teeth) I thought you were iome one else. (Scotch at 
Smudge) 

Smudge — Kerrazzo Pasha, Girls. {Qirls have rushed to Smudge, clinging 
icith pretended fear to him) Hold me, girls; don't let me get at him. 

Kerr — I know this man ! {Standing surveying Smudge) He knows m«, and 
yet, he does not know me ! 

Harry — What's the answer ? {Matt coming down with tea) 

Matt — Look out, he's feeling for his stiletto. 

Smudge — I know as much of you as is necessary for my comfort, thank 
you. {T'o Matt, from whom he again takes tea which he gulps down) Dont, give 
him any. 

Fred — Why look with fear on Mr. Kerrazzo, he Is as gentle as a goat. 

Harry — Matt, those are togs you wore when I painted my historical master- 
piece. 

Matt — Yes, sir, when I reminded you of your memory. 

Kerr — {In Turkish costume) I am in costume lady, as per your wish. 

Eva — Is thie the celebrated Kerrazzo Pasha ? 

Kerr — {Folding arms majestically) It is ! 

Eva — I have heard so much of you, and of course, your love of art. Won't 
you join us ? {Indicating tea Matt comes down xcith cup which he hat doctertd 
freely) 

Smudge — The followers of the prophet, do not drink. {He takes cup from 
tray, and doicns it) 

Kerr — This one does ; tea ! Besides I follow the prophet at such a distance 
I often lose the way. 

Smudge — The more I get of this, the more I like it. {To Matt) I don't see 
any Miss Vain, you must have made a mistake 

Kerr — Ladies, do not let my appearance, check the amusement. 

Harry — On the contrary, little bright-eyes, It rather adds to it. {Slaps Kerr 
on back boldly, Kerr takes no notice) By George, I've numbed my arm all the 
way to the shoulder and he doesn't know I touched him. {Kerr to left after 
Harry) 

Fred — If you can find time from your tea fight, and your guests, Eva, you 
might like to pass an opinion on my new picture. 

Eva — Tell me what it is supposed to be first. 

Fred— It is Itttle Rosie from Palermo, a Sicilian. 

Smudge — How our dear friend, Mrs. Vain admires your work. You haven't 
been to see her for some days, have you ? {Kerr looks at Fred) 

Fred — I've been too busy. 

Smudge —Business takes me to her side. {Looks triumphantly at Ken') Tht 

31 



call of numerous charities, the Shop Girls Hospital, the Asylum, the, Oh, Mr, 
Kerrazzo. I would like to see you in our asylum. 

Kerr — You mock me ! You deride me ! {He puts his hand in his breast coat. 
Matt, Fred, etc., clear way for him) 

Smudge — {Cowering) No offense, I had no idea you . More tea please. 

{Goes up) 

Kerr — I am calm again. I have thought of s imething. There is a telephone 
in that room, isn t there ? 

Harry — There is, go to it, and don't be in a hurry to ring off. 

Kerr — {To himself looking at iSmudge) Smudge ! ha— ha. {Starts to laugh, 
and goes off laughing. Harry follows) 

Harry — I cant say whether it's laughing or hiccoughs, but whatever it is, 
it's uncanny. {Exit) 

Fred — Are we all ready there ? Yes. {Goes tip to picture ichich is screened by 
curtains) Madame Moselle and pupils, I have the honor of introducing to your 
notice, Rosie of Palermo, the little immigrant just landed in New York, the 
wonder city of the new world. {Music as he draws back curtain shoicing picture 
of Nina on screen back of which with ligltt effects is Nina hersef, although she does 
not show until the screen is dissolved , the lights showing JSina herself) 

{Song — Bosie of Palermo) 

Eva — That's a delightful pose, anvl is that to be your next contribution to 
the Annual Exhibition? 

Fred — Yes, it will be my masterpiece; she inspired me to do it. 

Smudge — You specialize in painting here? 

Girls — Oh, yes. 

Smudge— Mrs. Vain will be delighted when she learns her daughter has be- 
come a model. 

Fred — At that rate every society lady who sits for her portrait becomes a 
model. 

Smudge — IgetyouSte , I comprehend you thoroughly Mr. Frederick. 

{Fred brings Nin'i down frvn frame where she finished song) Sweet child, I 
trust she progresses well with her other studies. 

Eva — You would be surprised how much she knows. 

Nina — Did mamma send you here? 

Smudge — Not exactly; my presence here is merely fortuitous, notwithstand- 
ing whicii, I am glad to came. {Smirks at Eva; Harry re-enters) 

Nina — Is she coming later? 

Smudge— Heaven for, that is, no, I thought I would sneak a peek, that is, 
investigate the Academy first. 

Nina — When you see her, tell her I am no more angry with her. She knew 
best, and I hope to stay here, oh, for ever so long. (Looks over to Fred loho is 
watching Smudge) 

Smudge — A beautiful sentiment. So do I. {Smiles at Eva again. Harry 
threatens him, unseen by Smudge) Do you em, call here very often, Mr. Cor- 
son? 

32 



Fred — Oh, Harry and 1 are on the staff of teachers. I have my regular hour* 
here. 

Nina— He is here very little, I think. 

Harry — Yes, only once a day, from ten in the morning till six in the even- 
ing (Eva checks Harry) 

Smudge — Ah, Mrs. Vain will appreciate your thoughtfulness. Before re- 
porting to mj' respected patroness I should like to see more of this charming 
establishment. May I ? 

Eva — Yes; I will show you 'round, myself. 

Smudge — Delight upon delight. And when we return, there may be a fresh 
brew of tea. 

Eva — Just wait until I call the girls. 

Smudge — Do we need them? 

Eva — I think so; yon have such a wicked gleam in your eye. 

Smudge — Fie upon thee, beautiful one. This is the first time I ever heard 
the look of dumb devotion that characterizes the toy Pomeranian or the Irish 
setter described as a wicked gleam {They go off. followed by thegiris. Music "Til Be 
There," or "Madame Moselle." as they go) 

Nina — The more I see of Mr. Smudge, the more I wonder at mamma. 

Harry — Oh, Smudge is useful in his way. He can carry parcels as well 
as any chap I know. 

Fred — I wouldn't refer to that as a parcel, that's a real bun ! {Then abruptly) 
Say, Harry, see what that Turk is doing, will you? 

Harry — He was calling up a number in New Rochelle when I left him. 
{Ihen realizing tJiat Fi ed is trying to he rid of him) Oh, 1 see, every once in a 
while ossification of the cerbellum sets in with me. {tapping his head) You want 
me to fade away as it were. Well, I think I'll go and sic the Turk on Smudge, 
the old rotter is getting entirely too friendly with my Eva. {Exit Harry) 

Nina— Mr. Charles, that is, Mr. Fred , 

Fred — Come, please drop that " mister." 

Nina — All right. Let's take up our French again while we're all alone; 
you're not getting along very fast with it. 

Fred — I don't have enough time with you alone, 

Nina — You don't seem to get beyond that " Je t'aime! " 

Fred — I don't want to. 

{Duet, " Je T'Aime,''^ Fred and Nina) 

Fred — {After Duet) Then it's all settled, and you're going to marry me and 
teach me to say " Je t'aime" all the rest of my life? 

Nina — You'll ask me to change the conversation before the honeymoon is 
over {pause) Fred. 

Fred — Yes, dear. 

Nina — Say, you were awfully slow in "coming across." Ah, you see I'm 
learning Americaine now. I was ready three days ago. 

Fred — I can see I will have to make up for lost time {Kitses her) 

Nina— I wonder if mamma will be pleased. 

83 



Fred — (Dryly) I wonder! 

Nina — We must tell her, of course. 

Fred — ( Uneasily) There's no great hurry. 

Nina— Shall I write to her? 

Fred — And have her pack you off to another school wher« I shall not be 
allowed to call on you? 

Nina — Oh, that would be terrible. 

Fred — Yes, you'd better let me administer the shock to mother. 

Nina — Why should it be a shock? She should be glad to get me off her 
hands. 

Fred — You don't understand; yon see — er — wel', 1 can't explain. 

Nina — Shall we tell papa? 

Fred — We mu^i do our love-making on the sly a little while longer. 

Nina — On the sly? Oh, that makes it just heavenly. 

Smudge — {Heard off) I have positively no fault to find, your establishment is 
perfect. If ever I am blessed with a family of girls, I shall send them here. 

Eva — Have you selected their mother yet? (As they enter) 

Girls — (Laughing) Oh, Madame Moselle! 

Nina — (An Smudge comes near) Oh, papa Smudge, will you tell mamma you 
have seen me? 

Fred — Oh, yes; you won't forget, will you? 

Eva — (Severely irith school-mistress nffeclation) Miss Vain! 

Nina — (Demurely) Yes, Madame. (In true schoolgirl manner) 

Eva — Have you shown Mr. Corson our new auto yet? 

Nina — No, madame; may I? 

Eva — By .all means, and I will entertain Mr. — dear Mr Smudge. 

Smudge — Yes, go on child, I shall be quite safe with Madame Moselle. 

Nina — Come this way, please, Mr. Corson (Fred follows) 

Smudge— I think the girls better chaperone them. 

Eva — (Winking slyly) You are irresistable, dear Mr. Smudge, but I think the 
girls better stay here and chaperone us. (To oirls) Sit down girls. (Girls at back 
with tec and cakes) 

Smudge — (As they sit near each other on settee or bench, partly hidden from girls) 
Eva. May I call you Eva? 

Eva — If you do I will call you Gabby! 

Smudge — Then I shall lose my head as I have already lost my heart! Ah, 
as I sit by you a wave of poetry surges over my being, and I feel ready to burst 
into song. (Places arm along back of seat. Kerr, who has been watching thru 
transom, noic dashes on, followed by Harry. ) 

Kerr — Why? Why isn't she here? (I'o Harry) 

Harry — How can I say, without knowing who "she" is? 

Kerr — Don't take your arm away! ( Ih Smudge) 

Harry — Do take your arm away, this is going too far, Mr. Smudge. 

Smudge — How very annoyinir, I don't know whom to oblige. 

Eva — Why not ask me? I allow it, that is sufficient. 

Kerr— Good, ha, hal 

34 



Harry — He's hiccoughing again. (Then to Kerr) Kerrazzo, if you'd like 
to take asmasli at that smirking little blighter, you have ray permission, and my 
moral support. 

Kerr — I have a better game, ha-ha! 

Eva — I lo Harry I I had him slipping when you came in; another second 
and I would have had him on my 

Harry — Well, this is bally disagreeable for rae, but miybe you know best. 
I'll hunt up Matthew and have him serve out the cutlasses; maybe they'll kill 
each other. 

Smudge — 'To girl who brings him tea) Thank you. (Then to Eva) Eva, 
if you had said the word, I'd have chopped this Oriental interloper into two 
or three. 'Drinks tea) Ooh! This tei is not like the other. 

Eva — I didn't say the word. Gabriel, because I feared for you. You are 
no match for this hulk of a man. 

Smudge — Inspired by your presence, I could wrest the Wool worth building 
from its moorings and heave it into the Xorth River; but, (looking ahnit) where 
is JS'ina and Mr. Corson? 

Eva— You wish to spy on them? 

Smudge — Only from a strong sense of duty, altho' I certainly yearn to b« 
alone with you far, far from that maddening, tea urn. 

Eva — You are a wicked angel, but I can refuse you nothing. 
{They go off laughing ani flirting, girls watching) 

Kerr — What is the matter with that smirking jack-ass? 

Lottie — We don't know, unless he has fallen in love with Miss Eva 

Mabel — Madame Eva can make any man act like a jack-ass. 

Kerr — She is charming, but only money will win Kerrazzo. His heart is not 
his. It is not here to offer any woman. It is far, far away in Constantinople. 

{ISong. Kerrazzo and girls. '' Consta ntinoplt'.''') 

{Lead to 2'urkish rag ti'ne chorus. Daueeani business icith girls. All 

get off. Then enter Harry and Matt) 

Harry — It's jolly obliging of him to eater into the spirit of the affair lite this, 
but the ceiling is falling down and W9 can't tell which is plaster and which is 
breakfast food. 

Matt— The cop's been in to see If hed best call out the reserves. 

Harry — There he is again. (Kerr is looking on and calls '' hist" ) Don't prod 
him in the ribs, except after feeding hours. 

Matt — Yes, sir. 

Kerr — {Standing near the door) I expect a caller, a lady. She will be here 
shortly and ask for Kerrazzo. 

Matt— Oh, you little Turk ! 

Kerr— Make no trouble for her, and you will make money for yo irself. 
{Goes into room. Bell rings furiously) 

Matt— Perhaps that's the party. 

Harry — It sounds ominous. If she looks anything like Smudge, lean hard 
on the buzzer. {Bell rings again) 

Mitt — Imp.itient, ain't they? I can smell trouble. 

35 



(Shakes Tiead) {Smudge and Eva re-enter very effusive to each other) 
Smudge — Metaphorically speaking, I am intoxicated, with your fascinations 
Eva — Only metaphorically? Your speech isn't as clear as I have heard it, but 

your tones are more liquid (Smudge has from the first of his "tea drinking" actec 

more or less soused) 

Smudge — Exactly. Where can we sit awhile in comfort where the draught 
won't blow our si^irts about. 

Eva — The little cosy corner is made for the purpose. {To settee) 

Smudge — How delightful. {Harry is near door at whicJi Matt has gone] 
Sweetheart, the divine spark is glowing within me. {Harry is listening) Listen to 
this beautiful poem which I will inscribe to your eye brows. {Kerr watches from< 
transom again) 

Sweet Eva, you've the blackest brows. 

Emotions in my breast] they arouse; 

I'm more than pleased than are the cows 

That browse amongst the clover! 

If all the {They are sitting in alcove) 

Eva — Shakespeare never wrote anything as good as that. {Buzzer heard) 

Harry — That means " look out," it's a liitle husky, but there's no mistaking" 
it. {He presses buttm, and the recess cosy corner closes up, shutting in Eva and 
Smudge) That buzzer rings very much like my creditors do it. 

Kerr — [Who opens d'lor and comes out 07i hearing buzzer, approaches Harry) 
What is this? 

Harry — I guess some of my bills are "calling me!" 

Kerr — {Indicating closed recess) But she's in there with him. 

Harry — Yes, and neither can get out until I release them. {Kerrazzo shoins 
by his look thit he has seen the button ani kii')Wi by what method the apparatus 
is iDorked) 

Kerr — It is well, they will be there when I need them. 

Harry — Now, you go back to your upper berth, till Matthew tells you you're 
wanted. Take the lea pot with you. {He grabs tea pot and pu>ihes Kerr ahead 
of him and they go off) 

Smudge — [Heard in recess) Nothing could be more delightful than this. 

Eva — Be quiet, and we'll surprise everybody. They don't know where 
we are. 

{Enter Mattheio, Betty, Mortimer and Emily) 

Emily — I wish to see a gentleman by the name of Mr. Kerrazzo. He called 
me by phone here on important business. Where is he? 

Matt — First, ma'am, your name? 

Emily — Mrs. Vain. 

Matt — {Surprised, scratches head dubiously) Vain, Vaia? 

Emily — {Looking Wound) What kind of a place is this? 

Matt — This is— er, our large class room. 

Emily — Where are the desks ? 

Matt — They've all gone to the cleaners. They'll be back in the morning, 

36 



Dismal place, isn't it? We call it the " ball of sighs." Ah, there's many a neck 
been broken here. 

Emily — Necks broken! Quelle horreur. 

Matt — You can see the stains in several places, 

Emily— 1 am sorry I came. Possibly this man has heard that I am wealthy 
and is going to kidnap me for ransom. {Display fear) 

Matt— Maybe you're right. If I was you I'd get out while the line is clear. 

Mortimer — Oh, tush ! There are three of us. 

Matt — Four, iucludin' me. 

Mortimer — We could put up a desperate resistance, ma'am. 

Emily — {As noise is heard in recess) What was that? 

Mortimer — It sounded like a kiss, ma'am, to me ! 

Betty— And to me. 

Emily — I'm sure that's what it was. 

Matt — More likely it was a mouse! 

Emily— Oh, you have mice here ? 

Matt— Yes, ma'am, there's a thousand of 'em. I've given 'em all pet 
names: There's Fanny, (Business of Betty and Emily on chairs) and there's 
little Albert over there washing his whiskers, (Pointing to imaginary corner) 
Mind, there comes Douglas on a galop ! 

Emily — Oh mon coeur ! 

Betty — Oh, dear ! (The women raise their skirts still higher. Harry en- 
ters but does not notice them. Mortimer goes over to punch boivl and helps 
himself to drink on the sly.) 

Harry — All clear ? (To Matthew) Then we can open the mouse trap. 

Matt — (As Harry is about to press button to open recess) No, no f 
Not ye St I 

Harry — (Looking up, notices Mrs. Vain) Hello, where are you wading 
to ? (Then to Matt) the jig is up. Miss Nina is her daughter, Freddie will 
have to face the music. 

Matt — (Aside) S-h-h-h ! She doesn't know yet. She came here to see 
Mr. Kerrazzo. He called her over the phone. 

Harry — What the deuce does he want with her ? 

Emily— Mr. Boland, what does this mean ? Don't you recognize me ? 

Harry — The view is slightly different, but I do now. But (as she loioers 
skirts) Don't hide them on my account ! (The women come down from chairs 

Matt — Noting Mortimer sampling punch) Hey, your head's not strong 
enough to stand that! 

Emily — There's that noise again, it must be a kiss. 

Harry — It must have been left here by the last tenant. 
Emily — (Wandering about, catches sight of empty wine basket) Oh, 
Dites moi, what is this ? 

Harry— That belongs to a new game called "heaving the bottle." You 
stand five yards away and hurl a bottle into one of those compartments, this 
one counts ten, and this one twenty, the one at the 

37 



Emily — Never mind explaining, can you tell me where we'll find M 
Kerraz'zo ? 

Harry — Why that's loo bad, he left just before you came. 

Matt — Yes, his mother phoned him she was dying. 

Emily — Mr. Kerrazzo said Mr. Smudge was here too 

Harry — Smudge ! What would he be doing here ? 

Emily — He probably thinks my daughter is here. She is attending a 
school similar in name to this. 

Harry — Now I come to think of it, I believe he was here, but he left too. 

Emily — Mr. Boland. I fear you, I'm afraid you are beaucoup de rigiieui| 
(Hai-ry and Matt are to one side getting in talk at intervals soto voce) ' 

Hurry — If Nina comes in, there'll be the devil to pay. How are we goinj. 
to get rid of this dame ? 

Malt — Lure her into the elevator, and I'll keep running up and down tj 
the coa t is clear, sir. 

Emily — I believe, Mr. Boland, that Mr. Kerrazzo is still here. 

Harry — Come right out and call me a wicked fabricator and be donei 
with it. 

Emily — Well, I prefer to satisfy myself; we will stay around here and 
learn the truth. Where is the manager of this peculiar institution ? 

Matt — Step right this way to the elevator, and I'll take you to the prin-' 
cipal. (Mrs. Vain hesitates, then calling Betty a7id Mortimer, follows Mor- 
timer; she hesitates hoioever a second, then defiantly calls) 

Emily — Mr. Kerrazzo ! Mr. Kerrazzo! (Then they step into elevator,) 
that is, they exit to supposed elevator. 

Kerr — (Entering, after they have left) Didn't I hear my name called ? 

Harry — Oh, dear, no ! (As he says this there is a crash. Matt has 
dropped the elevator to the bottom to get the thing stuck) There's that 
fool janitor put the elevator on the blink again. ( Gii^ls enter excitedly/ 

fSeco)id Act finale) 

ACT HI. 

Scene 1 — Exterior of Madame Vain's Parisian summer home, same as 
Act 1, showing gardens brilliantly lighted for evening function. Openiijfii 
number, song "That's the Style," in which the ch)rus of eight ladies 
gowned in the new color scheme of hair to match the complete outfits 
Vermillion, green, blue, golden, purple, white, tango and pink. Nina si 
the song, aud girls join in on refrain, each one coming on separately w 
spot light enveloping her in color to match her outfit. 

Niiia — (After song ) It was kind of mamma to let you come to say go^ 
bye to me. 

Lottie — Is it true, then, thai you are going away ? 

Nina — Yes, to the south of J'rance. 

All — Lucky girl I 

Nina — Ah, but it is to take me away from my Fred. 

Mabel — But we heard that Mr. Smudge was quite attentive to your moth^ 

38 



Nina — He is, and so is the Turkish gentleman, he has been here a great 
leal lately, but mamma has not forgiven Fred yet. 

Irene — (Looks round to make sure no one hears) We have news for 
rou. 

Nina— Of Fred ? 

Ivy — Yes, he will be here this evening. 

Myrtle — He and Mr. Boland, will both be here, disguised as waiters. 
Nina — Oh, isn't that splendid ! 
Fern — But you must not let on, that you know. 

Mrs. Vain — (Heard off) You're quite sure nothing has been overlooked, 
lortimer ? {Nina goes to L as she hears Mrs. Vs voice) 

Mort — Not a thing, ma'am. (The girls go up or group about > 
Mrs. V. — (As he and Mrs. V. eater) The caterers have done very re- 
her-che en-core. 

Nina — Have the waiters arrived, Mortimer ? 

Mortimer — Two of them have come, I believe, Miss. (Nina delighted 
goes over to girls near gate) 
If Mrs. V. — And the entertainers ? 
r Mort — On their way, ma'am. I telephoned to inquire. 

Mrs. V. — Then everything is in fine desprit. Where is Mr. Smudge, Mor 
itimer ? 

1 Mort — I think he is in the music room, ma'am, trying out some new rag-time 
records on the victrola. 

Mrs. Y. — There's nothing more, Mortimer. I rely on you to see that every- 
thing is attended to. 

Mort — Yes, ma'am (Mort goes up and off). Nina comes down qaickly R. of 
)Mrs. V. ) 

I Nina — Mamma, here comes our Turkish friend! Girls (To Oirls > We will 
be in the way, come with me, (Oirls laugh and go off R. U.J 

Mrs. V. — Nina! Child! ( Then goes to garden seat L.C. and sits expectantly. 
Eerrazzo appsars at centre gate; poses, then opens gate and comes doicn) 
Kerr — I am here early you see, and you, you are quite alone? 
Mrs. V. — (Making room for him on seat) Ah, you — ? Yes, quite. 
Kerr — (Dropping in seat by her sidej You are not afraid of me, little one, 
are you? 

Mrs. V. — I am a widow! 

Kerr — (After pause) Are you sure we will not be interrupted here? (Looks 
arou nd) 

Mrs. V. — I think not. {She sits at far end of seat) 
• ' Kerr — {SpraicUng on seat) Then listen. Y^ou must have noticed that — that 
j' I have been a frequent caller of late at your home? 

Mrs. V. — Yes, you have happened in at about lunch time, three times a 
' week. 

Kerr — {Sliding along seat towards her) Y'cs, lotus-blossom. Do you think 
this devotion means nothing ? 

Mrs. V. — It might mean that you like my cook's coiffure. 

39 



k 



Kerr — {J.S2'(7f) I wonder if she means coffee. {Then to her) Nay, also no. Till 
recently I thought Eva Moselle the pearl of perfection, but from the moment 

I saw you {Smudge enters from behind them, from L. U. , behind Summer 

House) 

Mrs. V. — Yes, from the moment you saw me 

Kerr — From that moment {Rises and goes to C agitatedly; at same time. 

Smudge crosses over and takes Kerrazzo' s seat by Mrs. V.) Pardon me while I 
regain mastery over myself — I said to myself {He backs to seat, and drops into 
Smudge's lap then springs to feet loith a roar) 

Smudge — What did you say, Brother Kerrazzo? 

Kerr — {Angrily) Kazzizah Kazzazzah! {Crosses back to C) 

Smudge— How very witty? {Then to Mrs. V., lowering voice) Emily, yo\i are 
wanted in the house. 

Mrs. V. — I will hear the rest some other time. {SJie rises, goes up, then leaves, 
with a final smile at Kerr. Both men stand with back to audience. As she goes, both 
turn; then eacJi as they walk to C) 

Kerr— Did you notice how she smiled at me? 

Smudge — I noticed, but it was meant for me. {Then chestily) You big stiff, 
you presumptuous oriental. 

Kerr — {Close up to Smudge) Pah! 

Smudge — Bah, yourself. But what are your intentions? Come to cues. 
Make yourself plain. 

Kerr — I am plain. 

Smudge — I am not discussing your mug; hem, your facial short-comings, but 
your intentions re — regarding Em — Emily? 

Kerr— Emily ? What right have you to {Shakes fist in Smudge's 

face) 

SmnA ge— {Inspecting Kerr's fist) That is what puts the punch in your con- 
versation, but phew ! {As Kerr lowers fist) That is better; it's a pretty milt— that 
is, hand you have, but 1 prefer it 

Kerr— I design to marry her. ( Walks away to R. C.) 

Smudge— {B"ollowi?ig) I cannot allow it. {Kerr turns on him abruptly) We 
must draw the color line somewhere. 

Kerr — {Thundering) Do you insinuate that I 

SmvidgQ— {Backing away) Don't be so touchy. I said we. We must draw 
the color line. 

Kerr — Oh ! You and I. 

Smudge— Yes, you're all right as far as you go, but you don't go far enough. 
Back to Turkey for yours. 

Kerr — What? {Smudge rounds Summer House; Kerr after him) 

Sitaudge — {Getting table between him and Kerr. Kerr on right side) I 
cannot stand by, or sit by, and allow you to propose to Emily Vain. {Leans on 
table) 

Kerr — {Thundering across table) And why not? 

Smudge— Because fate has set her aside for me. 

Kerr — And suppose I tell you to go to the devil! 

40 



Smudge — I refuse to recognize your authority aud 1 shall not go Now, look- 
a-here, Turk, give up all thoughts of Emily — that pure white soul is not for you; 
she is destined to find happiness with me! 

Kerr — ( With a sudden move, followed by a complete circle round the table) You 
col'ossal fake! 

Smudge — I shall get giddy in a minute. What was that? You called me 
some name? 

Kerr— I'll do worse than call you a name unless Understand, you 

sawed-off infidel, I shall offer my hand to Emily, the first chance I get. 

Smudge — Come, Karrazzo, be a gentleman, if you know what that means. 
Learn the rudiments of etiquette. 

Kerr — {Reaching over and pushing Smudge into chair) I need no lessons in 
etiquette from you; now you stay there till I return. {Exits) 

Smudge — I can see myself growing positively impatient with this petulant 
pasha. I would smite him, only he might smite back, and that would be very 
embarrassing. I have such a timid, retiring, sensitive disposition and I am very 
— very easily embarrassed. 

{Song — ' ' Most embarrassing." 

Nina — {t,ntering from R. U.) Mr. Smudge, I have been looking for you. 

Smudge — Ah, sweet little cherry-blossom, why? 

Xina — To tell you Mr. Kerrazzo is here. 

Smudge — I have already seen him —in fact, we had quite a boisterous inter- 
view; but, big as he is, I do not intend to allow him to buUdose me — that is ter- 
rorize me. But, child, you are not looking as well as I have seen you look. 
{Sitting L. Nina crosses to Smudge) 

Nina — No, and you know why. I have not seen Mr. Corson for a whole 
month. {Smudge takes her hand and j)ats pnternally) 

Smudge — And this is one of our longest months, isn't it? Thirty days — 
that is, thirty days hath September, April, .June and November— but you don't 
care for poetry? 

Nina — Not if that is poetry. Mamma has treated me horribly. 

Smudge — Ah, blame not mother — the jolt, the shock, you handed her — that 
is. the perturbing effect of that evening in the studio, was enough to knock any 
woman off her pins — hem, her feet. 

Nina — I make allowances for her. Why should she not make them 
for me? 

Smudge — One uses up so much material making allowances for one's self. 
there is very little left for others. Put that in your birth-day book. 

Nina — Oh, Mr. Smudge, I know it is not easy, but why don't you make 
mamma love you? 

Smudge — To a shrinking nature like mine, the fear of being branded as a 
fortune-hunter, acts as a deterrant. Were your mother poor — that is, on the same 

financial footing as myself, there would be {Aside) no incentive in the world to 

induce me to waste three minutes on her 

Nina— You know her so well, and her charitable enterprise. 

Smudge — If she ever marries me she will have to cut down all this monkey 

41 



business, ahem. Where is that da that infernal Turk, Excuse me, how very 

annoying, I may he asleep at the switch. {Kxits hurriedly in search of Kerr) {Fred 
Enters) 

Fred — {Disguised-as waiter) Can I get you anything, Miss? 

Nina — Oh, Fred. {I'hey embrace) How reckless you are! 

Fred — I'd taJie even more desperate chances to have a greeting like that. Do 
you think mamma will know me? 

Nina — You need not get very near to her, stay by me, and you will be safe. 

Fred — Not it shy watches you. When do you leave? 

Nina— The day after tomorrow. 

Fred — Then tonight is to be our good by, for a long time? 

{Duet, "Good By Little Girl." 

(Exit both. Enter Smudge and Mortimer from House) 
., Smudge— (Coming down C) Why should I be bothered ! 

Mort — Mrs. Vain says you understand these things. 

Smudge — Why should I know more about waiters than Kerrazzo? !>• 
never been a waiter, possibly he has. 

Mort — Yes, sir. 

Smudge — He is not with Mrs. Vain, now, is he? 

Mort — No, sir. 

Smudge — Then send these waiters to me, I'll. I'll run the tape over them. 
(Mortimer goes up and calls Harry from R. U. Fred also comes in from L and 
joins them) 

Kov\,SA\-\x-)x, (Beckoning) Thi.s way, come here. Enter Harry and Fred 
disguised, as icaiters with moustaches) 

Smudge —As suspicious a looking couple as I ever saw. Mortimer you may 
go. Count the umbrellas, and keep an eye on the Turkish gentleman. Well, 
(eyeing Fred and Harry) you're a fine looking body of troops. 

Both — (Bow,) Yes, sir. 

Smudge— Have you ever waited before? 

Harry — I'm a retired butler. 

Smudge — From your appearance, you must have retired with the silver and 
gotten caught, but you won't get away with anything on these premises. Per- 
sonally, I prefer the whisker-less waiter. 

Harry — Yes, sir, in the interests of the butter. 

Smudge — [To Fred) And you! 

Fred— (Z. 0/ Harry) I am a foreigner, I do not understand a word of 
English. 

Smudge — You and I will have a hell of a conversation, all in pantomime. I 
need a little exercise anyway. (Business). 
Harry — What are we supposed to do here? 

Smuilue— Wait, W-e-i-g ht. Watch this, (To Fred) When the guests ar- 
rive, you will greet them so, you will present them with the food; you will pour 
out liquor and. understand not pour it down yourself, then make yourself handy 
generally. (Pantomime, for Fred) 

Hairy — (As Smudge is trying to illustrate to Fred what he, Fred, is to do, by 

4.2 



pantomime) He dances well, doesn't he. {Then to Smudge) And what does 
Demetrius do? 

Smudge — Demetrius'? Oh, he is a Greek, eh, Ithought he had a Hellenic 
accent, he looks like Hell anywa}\ Say {To Fred) Haven't I met you some- 
where, IMeaty? 

Harry — {To Fred) Talk up. Bear on a bit, make some kind of a noise, it 
will sound like Greek. 

Smudge— H I waived adollar at him, I'll bet he could understand. 

Harry — You might give it a trial, No? Where do we find the grub? We've 
brought along our appetites with us. What is there to eat? 

Smudge We run largely to salads. There's chicken-salad, lob.ster-salad, 
potato-salad, fruit-salad, cold asparagus tips, gelatin-de-dindon, ham and tongue 
and boned turkey. 

Harry — But what have you to eat? 

Smudge — Did you think I was calling off the entries of a horse race? 

Fred— Before we go any further, sir, we belong to the Waiter's Union. 
(litrns Smudge around to Mm) 

HftTrj— {Pulling Smudge around to liim) We almost say, we own it! We 
drew up the rules. We expect five dollars each and all we can make. 

Smudge— I don't care if you expect ten each, and make a couple of overcoats 
on the side. 

Harry— I say, don't adopt that tone, old rollicker. The rules compell us to 
resent rudeness on the part of our patrons. 

Smudge — Hyou resent it on any part of me, I shall be very much annoyed. 
{He faces Harry. Fred pulls Jiini around to him) 

Fred — What about the, the five dollars? 

Smudge — For a man who doesn't understand English, you have quite a grasp 
on the situation. 

Harry — Yes, putting it vulgarly, who coughs up? 

Smudge — Mrs. Vain. 

Harry — Is she good for it? 

Fred — Do not talk so, by the rules of the Union, we must get our money in 
advance. 

Smudge — Well, I will, I will, as you brutally term it, cough up the kale, 
that is, the where-with-all, on my own responsibility. {Gives money) But don't 
let this prey on your minds, I shall get it back. {Goes up C) 

Harry — {To Fred) Nina is waiting for you, slip away, I'll keepSmudge 
busy. {Fred crosses to him) 

Smudge — Which of you four is the two-man, that is, I mean which of you 
two is the fore-man? 

Harry — I am, sir. I have had twenty years experience I waited in tbe 
Waldorf and theRitz, five minutes in each place, and I was many years in the 
automatic lunch waiting for the plates to be emptied. Oh ,1 know my business. 

Smudge — Such is life, when even I see a hard working waiter, I am deeply 
touched. {As Fred puts hand out for tip) You've had your's already, Demetrius. 

Harry — Yes, you go into the house, and count the salad. 

43 



Fred— Yes, sir. 

Harry — (Loicering mice) She's over there three yards and a couple of inches 
due east of the Hydrangea in the yellow tub, on your immediate left, {Aloud) 
Hurry! 

Fred — To hurry is forbidden by the Union. 

Smudge — Quite right. The last time I knew a waiter to hurry, it cost me two 
dollars to have my Tuxedo cleaned. 

Harry — Tomato Puree, or old English Oxtail? 

Smudge — Neither. Consumme with rice I found grains of it on me for weeks 
after. It was very embarrassing. 

Harry — You must have felt like a bridegroom. I hope you didn't let it dry 
on! 

Smudge — No, and now friend, you have my money I'd like to see your 
diploma. How do I know you have taken a decree as a master-waiter. How am 
I to know you are what you represent yourself to be? 

Harry — You do as I do, and then we'll both know. 

Smudge— I see, you recommend me to , to wait. 

(Duet, " Wait, Wait/'' 

Smudge — I can see you have all the qualifications for an ideal brigand, 

Harry — Thank you, sir, I'd have to be a master of my profession to pry you 
away from your rocks. 

Smudge— Not at all, I think I can make use of you. How is your eye- 
sight. 

Harry — I can see all the way from oysters to coffee. 

Smudge — May I trust you ? (Mysteriously) 

Harry — What's to stop you ? 

Smudge— Bend over then. (Harry does so, but ivith caution) Oh, don't be 
afraid, I'm not going to kick you. Listen, this is between man and man. Are 
you an Elk ? (Makes a lot of Lodge signs) 

Harry — No. 

Smudge— Well, it doesn't matter, neither am I. (Then closely and confi- 
dentially) I wish you to keep an eye on a certain party. 

Harry — I exact an extra fee for sleuthing. 

Smudge— Naturally. Five dollars is my limit though. Is that satisfactory ? 

Harry — It's a lot of money for you, I see, however, continue 

Smudge — I want you to wash, to (Staimners) wash, no watch a gentleman 
who balances a little red fez in the neighborhood of where his brain ou^ht 
to be. He is interested in the same lady I am interested in. I do not wish 
him to propose to her, because she might accept the first chance that comes 
along, and what a terrible fate would be hers. I am quite unselfish in the 
matter. 

Harry — I can see you are, but describe the lady, sir. 

Smudge— She is an ample creature with lots of surface whereon to display 
diamonds, she is the mistress here; in other words, she is Mrs. Vain. 

Harry— Oh-h-h , I see ! Sly bird ! (Digs Smudge in ribs, laughs) 

Smudge — (Collecting his dignity) Not so chummy, not so chummy. 

44 



{Then seeing Nina approaching) Sli-b-h, her daughter ! 

Harry — (Turning as Nina enters) I'd like to be stepfather to her myself. 
Smudge — (To Nina) Where is mamma ? 
Nina — I think she is with Mr. Kerrazzo ! 

Smudge — (With disgust j The fez expert! (Then aloud) Excuse me. 
{Once more to Harry) Come along, I want you to familiarize yourself with 
his villainous features. (Drags Harry off tvith him, Harry trying to get in 
a loord loith Nina. Fred then enters and joins Nina) 
Nina — What do you propose to do, carry me away ? 

Fred — If necessary, but we may prevail upon mamma to relent. Eva will 
be here soon, rely on her. 

Nina — What ? Madame Moselle here ? Did mamma invite her ? 
Fred— No more than she did me, but Eva is disguised as the Indian Sybil 
who has been engaged to tell the fortunes of the guests ! 

Nina — How splendid ! I am full of hope already. (Sounds of tom-tom) 
Nina— What is that ? 

Fred — That's she; Matthew is with her as Ram Chut, her Hindu attendant. 
We'd better separate now, but I'll be right handy in case you want me. (Exit 
R. U. Nina ^catching, then follows) 

Eva — (Entering ivith Matt, Mrs. V., Kerr and others also come on. 
Song, Eva's solo "Indian Ntimber." After number, Mrs. Vain approaches 
Eva) 

Mrs. V. — The summer house is your temporary temple. 
Eva — Moon faced one, I thank you. (Then to Matt) Ram Chut, lead the 
way. (Majestically folloios Matt, uiho rises and gathers up drum) 

Kerr — Does she think she might lose herself, going from here (indicates 
short distance) to there ? 

Eva — r Chanting) When the drum of Ram Chut rolls three times. (To Bam 

Chut) Show ! (Matt business ivith drum) Madah, the Seeress, will be in a 

trance, then thou may'st approach her. 

Matt — ( Chanting) Ram Chut will speak; when Medah, is like she is asleep, 
she speaks only her own tongue; our tongue; the tongue of the wise guys; men 
of Beharees ( Botes to Mrs. V. then to girls) 

Mrs. V. — fB. C.) Paries vous Benareeslsh ? It is so absolutely soufflay. 
Matt — (B. of Eva) Ram Chut will make clear what is veiled in fog. I in- 
terpret the words of Medah, the Mystic, the Mighty One ! This way (Backs from 
Eva to summer house; music plays softly) 
Kerr — How does lie do it without falling ? 

Mrs. V. — (Enthusiastically) Isn't it awe-inspiring ? (Following to C. 
ivith Kerr, girls getting B. to watch) 
Girls — Wonderful ! 

Mabel — (As Eva exits into summer house, Matt boioing low to her L) 
And isn't that dress a dandy ? 

Lottie — I shouldn't be surprised, if that was the next fashion. 
Matt — (Authoritatively ) Leave us awhile. We prepare the temple for the 
rites. Listen for the tom-tom ! (Exits to summer house; business. Qirls 

45 



exit to soft music; Matt and Eva then fix summer house, hiding themselves 
with curtain across entrance) 

Kerr— (Who unth Mrs. Vain has moved to table; he gets R. of table 
nt R.) We are alone. At last I may say to you what, what has been so long 
on my chest. (Mrs. V. sits L. of table) 

Mrs. V. — At last ? Then you have been waiting for an opportunity ? 

Kerr— Oh, Emily (Rising) May I call you Emily ? (Tries to take her hand; 
Harry enters from R. U. ivith plate on ivhich is cavier sandwich; seeing 
Kerr and Mrs. Vain, crosses to R. C.) 

Mrs. V. — Oh, Mr. Kerrazzo, how very de rigger you are ! 

Kerr— Possibly , but my heart , Oh, won't you be my 

Harry — (Who has by this time reached table; he thrusts sandwich 
under Kerr's nose) Lobster, sir ! 

Kerr — (Again rising angrily) No ! 

Harry — I thought not (Lifting up top part of sandwich) As a matter of 
fact, this is not lobster, but either bird shot or cavier. Oh, I know now what I 
wanted, Mr. Smudge was asking after you, ma'am. (Mrs. Vain rises) 

Kerr— r^s Mrs. V. starts for R. C.) Oh, don't go ! 

Mrs. V. — What you have to say will keep. (She leaves) 

Harry — It's a pretty hot night, sir ! 

Kerr — ( Thundering j You are a meddler. (Tn, front of table, Harry ditto.) 

Harry — Not by birth, sir. (Going to R. C.) 

Kerr — Here. ( F'olloicing him) Here are ten of your hated green 
mediums of exchange ! Take 'em, and see that this man Smudge is never alone 
with her. (Business; gives money) 

Harry — Allow me to hand you a bit of lemon (Takes slice of lemon from 
plate and hands to Kerrj 

Kerr — No, my temper is sour enough. Quick ! Youcome with me. (Pulls 
Harry tioo steps to R. U. > 

Harry — I don't want to, I'm conveying this emergency ration to that dis- 
reputable Hindu chap over tliere. (Starts to go, but Kerr hauls him back) Oh, 
I say, you are in a hurry ! (They exit, Kerr dragging Harry witli him. Matt 
looks out, comes L. C.) 

Eva — {Appearing) Matthew, you have done splendidly. {She imses in 
dooncay) 

Matt — I used to be an Indian attendant on the elephants when I was with 
Barnum and Bailey's Circus, ma'am. {They have been fitting tip summer house, 
ichieh, of course, prop man has already done) 

Eva— The pattern of that curtain is enough to give any one the creeps. 

Matt — Very future-ist, is'nt it. Have you any idea what you are going to 
say to them, ma'am? 

Eva— No, I shall utter some Indian names I've culled from the Atlas, and 
you can interpret about as I told you. {Matt goes up) 

'Fred— {Entering with Nina from L. U.) Eva is there, now. 

Eva — {From ''entrance" of summer house) What wouldst thou? 

Fred — It's all right, Eva, there's nobody about. 

46 



Eva — Better be on the safe side. Come over here. {Nina and Fred cross 
over to summer house) 

Nina — Fred says you're going to save us. Have you thought of a plan? 

Eva — Yes, I will see dreadful things in a journey across the water, and have 
your mamma so terrified, she will be afraid to look a bath-tub in the face. 
Matthew understands. 

Matt — Yes, Miss. I've got all my bits written out. I'm ready for anything. 

Fred — Eva is a wonder, isn't she? 

Nina — But will you cause mamma to give up all thoughts of Fred? 

Eva— I will see great happiness for her with another; and I shall describe 
Smudge But, where's Harry? 

Fred— Pottering about somewhere as a waiter. He'll be glad to learn Ker- 
razzo has given up all idea of you. 

Eva — Enough for now don't be seen in friendly converse with the seeress. 

Nina, it might help things, if you prepared your mother for what I'm going to 
prophesy. 

Nina — Oh, yes, I understand. What fun, I will! (Laughs) 

Eva — Everything's going to come out all right, I'm sure. 

Matt— (To Fred) Sir, if anybody tells you squattin' and beatiu' a tom- 
tom is easy work, tell 'em for me, it's very tryin' on the muscles of the calf. 
(Fred and Nina exit B. U.E) 

Eva — Matthew, we'd better go inside and rehearse the little comedy so as to 
take no chances on spoiling the game. 

Mrs. V. — (^4« she and Smudge enter from R. 1st E) Why are you leading 
me here? 

Smudge — (Leading her to table at B.) Because the time is ripe, it is even 
rot, that is, over-ripe. Silence is no longer golden, in fact, it is likely to cost me 
money. Emily, let me say, Emmie, (As they take seats at table) Have you ever 
looked into the heart of a man? 

Emily — Yes, but not until I had first looked into his antecedents. 

Smudge — There with the get-back stuff — ahem, the repartee, aren't you! 
May I hope you have given mine the " twice-over"? 
Emily — You had references, and que voulez vous. 

Smudge — Listen , I am about to uncork a few confidences. For years, 

that is, ever since you and young Corson had that one round go, that lamentable 
disagreement in the studio, I have had an eye on you. Nothing but the thought 
that you had a wad that would choke a diplodoccus, held back the torrent of 

mush that rose to — to — , that , where am I? O, Emmie, (E'sing) Can't you 

see — , Can't you hear — , (Leaning on table, with loving eyes glued to her) Won't 

you take 

Harry — (Harry has entered to C. followed by Kerr, who remains in the rear 
a lit, watching. Again, Harry thrusts the plate on ichich is the earner sandwich 
between them just as Smudge asks, ''Won't you take") The cavier — ! Oh, do 
eat it. It's getting gritty, the sand is settling in it. 

^mndga— {Angrily) What the he , Oh, it's you, is it? 

Harry — (Looking at plate) No, sir! Ma'am, won't you tackle it? It's quite 

47 



healthy now, but it's on the wane. 

Smudge — You interloping idiot. 

Harry— (7b Emily) Miss Vain was asking for Mrs. Vain. Are you the 
party ? 

Emily — Yes, I'll go to her. (Rises and starts to B. C. Kerr boios) 

Harrj'- — Do you mind taking this along? I'm getting so I hate the sight of it. 
Thank you. {As he forces the plate on her) The flies seem to take to it, don't they? 
{Oetting dotcn L. of table) 

Mrs. V. — {Sweetly to Smudge) Some other time, Mr. Smudge. {Exits R. U.) 

Smudge — {R. of Harry) Couldn't you see, you infernal bungler, that I was 
just warming up? 

Harry — Yes, but the other chap gave me ten dollars to throw cold water on 
you. {Kerr comes down andsmiUs cynically) 

Smudge— Get out of this, {Harry crosses to Kerr) 

Harry — I earned my money that time. Would you like to have another ten 
dollars worth? {To Kerr) 

Kerr — No, I will settle matters with this whelp, myself. {Crosses) 

Harry — I'm afraid you'll make a mess of it, but it's your affair. {Grostes 
over to summer home, then, aside to Matt and Eva as he exits) How is it going, 
Eva? 

Eva — We're nearly ready to administer the medicine. 

Harry — Good luck, I'm having a grand evening. There's money in being a 
waiter, more than in art! 

Smudge— (iI/^7^■te«%) You sent that waiter to intercept me? 

Kerr— (Bo//j are at C) I did! 

Smudge — Couldn't you see I was engaged? 

Kerr — I could see you were not, and I didn't intend you should be. I need 
Mrs. Vain's money myself. 

Smudge — Sordid brute! Not as much as I do! 

Kerr— We will not argue about that, I simply give you warning that if you 
marry Emily Vain, she will very soon be a widow again. {Budness, gesture with 
hands, etc.) 

Smudge — Meaning " choke!" But let me tell you, husky Turkey Trotter, 
poison is just as effective, and it's much more refined. 
{Turns back on Kerr, goes toward R) 

Kerr — {Scared., following) You would poison me? '^{Smudge turns) 

Smudge — {Bravely) If you drove me to it, I would. 

Kerr — {Grabbing Smudge by shoulders) Listen to me! 

Smudge — I've got to. 

Kerr — I'm no more of a Turk than you are! 

Smudge— I'm in favor of polygamy! {Kerr pushes Mm away) Well, what 
more? 

Kerr — Who am I? What am I? 

Smudge — 1 don't know who you are, but I'm sure what I think you are. 

Kerr — I am Kennel 1-y! 

48 



Smudge — Wlial! {Stnr/gers melodramatically) Ken-nell-y? {Falls into 
chair It. C.) 

Kerr— Yes, the former treasurer of the Vain Asylum for Hopeless Imbeciles 
(Removes fez and poses) From which position you had me discharged! 

Smudge— (Hopelessly) And you are— you? 

Kerr — (Towering above him) Yes, 1 am me. For two years T have rnn a 
Turkish Cigar emporium and waited for this. I have hunted you down. My 
hour of revenge has come. You think you are going to pull down the Vain 
millions, but, think again! (Behind Smudge's chair) They are ear-marked for 
Daniel Kennelly! 

Smudge — (Rising and crossing) Not if I can prevent it, I will consult with 
the seercss on the matter; you stay here. Wizards hate to " wiz "before third 
parties. (Goes to summer house to L) 

Ma.it— (Putting head out) Wouldst chin-chin with Medah ? (Holding back 
curtain) 

Smudge — I wouldst; here is gold. (Tenders greenback) It's really paper, 
"but I speak in metaphors. 

Matt — Medah knows everything. 

Eva — Let the insignificant one enter. (Speaking from within) 

Kerr — That's you ! (Then toith a step foricard) Does the beauty from Bengal 
really tell the future correctly ? 

Matt — Everything she tells, comes true without exception, should she say you 
will live till ninety, and die before, we give back your money. 

Eva — (In moaning, wailing tone) Woe, Ram Chut ! (Matt beats drum) 

Matt — (Chanting) She is now going into a trance. Enter sir, (Boios. Smudge 
enters summer house, Matt folloics, curtain is lowered hiding them within. Soft 
music. All enter at sound of drum) 

Nina— Mamma, you will have your fortune told 1 

Mrs. V. — I'm almost afraid. I'm so superstitious. 

Girls — Oh, please ! 

Irene — Oh, please go first. 

Mrs. V. — Well, if you insist. 

Eva — (Heard moaniug in chant) Oh, nantika tivo, Boolin agra. (All listen 
otientively) Coromandely ooske heji mattee hihee ! 
Smudge— ( Within) Terrible ! Terrible ! 

Matt — Translated, means "the dark thick man with the growl and the ugly 
face who attempts to cross your path, will meet with a dreadfu doom, if — , if he 
takes from the insignificant one, the fair lady that bends on the stalk, even as we 
speak." 

Kerr — She means me ! (Tn scared tone) 

All— Sh-h-h-! 

Eva — Kat-nosh-in a-wat ta! 

Matt — Meaning you may go. (Smudge comes from behind curtain. Matt 
draws it ba'ik revealing Eoa, pretending to be in state of trance. The interior of sum- 
mer house is made to look as wierd as possible) 

Smudge — Next! (emerging from summer house) Oh, friends it is wonderful 

49 



This remarkable creature told me things about my past life that I didn't know 
myself. {Then to Kerr) Hello, Kerrazzo. What is the matter with you? 

Kerr— I overheard. I was outside. {He trembles violently) 

Smudge — You were? 

Nina — G-o in, mamma. {Eva moans) 

Matt— Quick, somebody, before Medah comes out of her trance! 

Mrs V. — {Smudge leading her to entrance) Very well, then. 

Smudge— There's nothing to be afraid of, lily that bendeth on the stalk, 
ahem. {Glancing at Kerr) 

Matt— Enter lady. {Mrs. V. enters timidly, all icatch) Place your hands 
within the Great One's; you need not ask, Medah will read your life. I will speak 
in your language what she decrees. {Fred and Harry enter B, (J.) 

Fred — {Down R.) Matthew is doing pretty well, isn't he? {To Nina) 

Eva — {Nina puts fingers to lips to quiet Fred) Jumna-sraj-put. {Harry comes 
to top of seat L) 

Kerr — {About to protest) This is the 

All — {Turning 07i him fiercely) Be quiet. {Harry threatens Kerr) 

Eva — Indorre tarakeswar krishnagar tirapooti kenjalpat mabeleshwar. {Kerr 
gets to left of Smudge) 

Smudge — To one who understands it, how inspiring! 

All-S-hh-h— . 

Matt— Medah sees into your future. First, she sees danger on the water; 
then, she sees two who struggle for the possession of your hand. 

All — Ah? {They turn to Smudge and Kerr, who scowl at each other) 

Mat,t — With one. is happiness. With the other, enduring misery. 

JSfina — I wonder which! {To Fred at R) 

Fred— Sh-h— . 

Eva — Panroti pandlcherri golappoor bonai gahr paklala irrikoor. 

Harry — As singable as Italian, isn't it? 

Matt— The one who loves her, and whom she should love, is the insignificant 
one. 

Smudge— Oh, I blush. {Easiness) Right before all the people, too! 

jVIatt— The other is big, fat and brutal. With him, life would be desola- 
tion, and for him— the burly one {All look at Kerrazzo) his fate rests on her 
decision! 

Smudge— (Jb Kerr) Get this ? I can see something very interesting 

oming. 

Kerr — {Uttering cry of alarm, falls into Harry s arms) 

Matt — If she accepts him, within a year, he will be no more! 

Harry — Then I hope she takes a chance with you, old top! {To Kerr) 

Eva — Katuoshin awatta. 

Matt — The interview is over. {Mrs. V. rises from her knees, comes out 
looking scared) 

Smudge— (Croes to 7ier) Lily that bendeth on the stalli, I heard, and I un- 
derstand. If you are for me, press my hand vigorously, but tenderly. 

Mrs. V. — Gabriel! {Matt lowers curtain) 

50 



Nina — Mamma, what does it all mean? 

Mrs. V. — That Mr. Smudge has prevailed upon me to become his. 

Nina — And do you still feel spiteful to Mr. Corson? 

Mrs. V. — No, if he were here, I would forgive him. 

Fred — {Taking off monstache) He is here! 

Mrs. v.— Fred! 

Fred — Don't you think I'll make you a good son? 

Smudge — We give our consent. Emily, hand him a blessing! 

Nina— Oh, Fred! 

All — Silence for Medah ! {As Medah comes out) 

Eva — The prophetess must have five minutes between trances. 

Harry — By Jove, girlie, that was a jolly good turn you gave them. 

Eva — Do not know me, or all will be spoiled. 

Harry — Happy ending, 1 suppose. I understand. 

Eva — Certainly. They're looking at me. 

Nina — And, mamma, do we sail for Europe the day after tomorrow? 

Mrs. V. — No, the seeress forbids. 

All— That settles it! 

FlJSrALK 



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